Hello out there?

Does anyone actually read this anymore? I have things to say.

So here I am again, punching the air.

Each punch gets a little more soluble, though. At least I think so.

I find myself in this place once every year, I think. This last bout lasted about two years, but a major family altercation took place, as most of you know. When I was in college, the plan was to save a ton of money and go to Europe, possibly teach English somewhere in Italy, Germany, wherever that would take me. I probably would have ended up somewhere I would have been afraid of.

After I graduated I took a job in Leitchfield. This was not Europe. Then the plan became Bowling Green, then Portland, Oregon. Another failed attempt at a dream. I applied for school and everything. Then I moved back to Louisville, decided to go to seminary for music. Then dad passed away and my life changed dramatically.

Then my plan became to move to Denver! So exciting. I have friends there, it's totally dog friendly, the cost of living is similar to Louisville, there is an MLS team, etc, etc, etc. Then, as I visited the first time around, someone asked me questions like "what other schools have you looked at?" Which made me realize I was making a quick decision.

So now I'm here, again. I want to go forward, but I don't want going forward to make me take huge steps back. So I'm forcing myself to wait. Here are my (good?) reasons.

A) I need to take the GRE.

B) I need to explore other schools. I've taken a better look at DePaul recently.

C) I want to do internships with MLS, and all of those would be out of state. That would be easier if I were living close to family because I could count on someone to help me out while I was gone.

D) I want a dog. I have wanted a dog of my own since I was about 11. If I stay here and live with a roommate, I can absolutely afford one. I'm actually in the process of adopting a Weimaraner. The whole dog thing isn't just a 'want' situation, either. At least two people have agreed that it will make my life a bit happier. I go to work, I get frustrated, I come home and stay frustrated. Who doesn't need someone in their life that will love them unless he gets rabies? haha…

E) I'm scared. I want to go go go, but I'm so scared of being alone that it hinders me from living life the way it's intended to be lived. The friends I have in Colorado are married, and they're pretty good at having friends (as most married couples are want to neglect), but I would hate to think I was intruding on their lives or getting on their nerves.


This is officially too long. I'll say this: I'm not ruling out a move to Colorado. I never would. It's the #5 happiest state in the nation. Clearly it's still an option. But for now, I'm staying put. I'm going to set goals and deadlines and I WILL go somewhere. I will. I have to.

He gives and takes away...

Starting to feel sleepless, but tired.  My eye started to twitch the other day.  Tonight began the un-necessary acid reflux.  I didn’t realize Christmas was so close until I heard Christmas music in the mall.  Thanksgiving still feels like it should be months away.  I’m pushing it all forward because I don’t want this season to be here. I don’t want to rehash what happened a year ago, and I don’t want to have to think about it. 

Looked through the pictures on my phone and realized (as I have before) there was a clear gap between photos of my sister and husband in the hospital waiting room and me sitting on the couch with my dad’s dogs.  I skim the events of the week leading up to the inevitable and I wonder how stupid (or overly hopeful) we must have seemed to nurses, doctors.  

The night I slept in the room with Dad because Janet hadn’t slept at home in weeks.  The night (the same night) that I basically stayed awake the entire time, hearing the ventilator scream when it wasn’t working correctly (which is horrifying), praying things I’d never thought I would have to pray.  

The night my sister, step-mom and I stayed at the hospital, all together, after a particularly rough emergency surgery.  Being incredibly vulnerable, we all knew each-other in a whole new way.  We laughed loudly, nervously, in the McDonalds at Kosair. 
I think I’m still in a sort of denial.  I have been since the day he was put on a ventilator. My dad was big and strong, I knew this.  But the (military) men and women who worked with and under him were very concerned, and this threw me for a loop.  Do you know my dad?  Because he’s better than this.   But the men and women kept coming, became family, but I still didn’t understand.  He’s strong.  (Notice the present tense? Yeah, I didn’t mean to do that. It just happens.) 

The day it happened, when all of them were there, in the hospital room.  I held my dad’s big, strong hand (and believe me, it was huge), and all I wanted was a squeeze back.  The only movement was his chin, which moved with the ventilator.  

I want so badly for him to be home.  I want to spend Christmas morning eating breakfast with him and my step-mom.  I’d give anything to share this new relationship with my step-mom with him, too.  I’d give anything to talk to him about our family, and the stupid things I remember about being his daughter.  I’d give anything for him to be around when (if) I get married, and when (if) I have kids.  I wanted my kids to stare in awe of his size, just like I saw my sister’s kids idolize him.  I’d give anything for him to see me be successful.  I didn’t want to be a barista in his eyes.  I wanted him to be proud.  I wanted him to be here, now. 

I’m thankful for every moment that I’m told I’m anything like him.  I would be elated to have even half of his character. 

I just thought, for those of you who think I'm gone...

... that I might write a little something here.

I am updating very, very regularly at http://sisterabe.tumblr.com. Too much, almost.

So, here is my life in a nutshell:

I'm in that frenzy again - trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, where I would like life to take me, etc. I think I explained it best to my co-worker Rebecca tonight. She suggested that I apply for one of the management positions that Heine Brothers has open. This was flattering, believe me. I explained that I'd like to be living somewhere other than Louisville by May, so taking a job like that would be a little... not very nice.

When she asked why, I had to explain that my skin is crawling with a desire to move. I'm not talking "move" like from my home to a new home. I'm talking that figurative "move." The kind of "moving" I'm talking about is the kind that triple-dog-dares you to get out of your comfort zone. And, knowing that I am stuck here, in this so-called profession of serving coffee, etc., to the community immediately surrounding me (which I sort of like, but it's not my niche) makes it too hard to ignore this skin-crawl-inducing-triple-dog-dare. How's that for a phrase?

So here I am again. Except I have the whole world at my hands. Where can I go? What can I study? What do I want to do for the REST of my LIFE? Do I want to pursue something that looks glorious but can provide a long, hard road between myself and this gloriousness? Do I want to choose something less glorious that might be easier to obtain? I flip-flop daily. Putting my finger down on something only makes me consider even more options.

So here are my lists.

Places to go!

• Denver, CO - because Lynsey and Mike live there! And MOUNTAINS! And cold weather!
• Austin, TX - because apparently it's just a bigger, better Louisville with more opportunity...
• New York, NY - because I feel like it's a challenge that I can conquer, and living in New York is something that is either loathed or loved, and I think I might love it?
• San Diego, CA - because I have imagined myself on the West Coast for some really weird reason... and this seems like the most affordable big city out that way...
• Any suggestions welcomed ;)

Things to learn!

• Marketing - Recently I've been thinking this might be good for me... I've had some decent ideas at work and I feel like I could generate more? But, I'm not really into selling things I don't believe in. This makes it hard.
• Photo-journalism - It's more of a dream that I might be successful at photo-journalism. I hear from people (okay, one person who is always a Debbie Downer) that there aren't many stable jobs in this area, and that alone is scary enough to cause me to not be totally gung-ho about it.
• Journalism - It's something I kind of ruled out for a while. But could I be specific and say that I love to write about things that I love - i.e. travelling, music, and lately soccer/futball. I tend to research things to an extent where it seems I've been immersed in the culture for years. But, as the last career choice I listed has the same cons, I'm not so confident I won't be living in a box in Brooklyn, Austin or Denver.
• I've had other ideas in the past, but these are the ones that continue to cycle through my head... What do you think I'd be successful doing?

That's a lot of stuff for one entry. I hope someone remembers I'm here!

You make me new...

I love camp. I'm glad I took time off from camp so that I could see it in a better light. I kind of ruined it for myself, took almost an entire year (and then some) away from it, and this year it's a new place for me. I always get a better understanding of something when I step away for a while.

I'm glad I was there. I was a little grumpy all week, and that's just part of my emotional silliness. The kids were awesome and hilarious, and I miss 'em. I wish I had a job that allowed me to be there for more of the summer!

Mr. Luke Sexton

So, if you guys haven't heard yet, I have a friend named Benson who has just been given a son, Luke. Luke isn't doing so well, in fact, he's in pretty bad condition. Not even able to cry due to ventilator, he's changing lives, which is amazing and heartbreaking at the same time. Here is the website Benson and his wife are keeping to update and ask for prayer - and people are definitely listening and doing so.

I have had to stop reading and talking about it because it is all way too familiar. Dad was basically in the exact same position, just 53 years down the road and with different causes. We were given the same direction by the doctors. I was asking for those same prayers.

I really, really hope little Luke pulls through.

I miss him.

Where you at, Bruce? I hope you're living it up as an outside cat, or maybe someone scooped you up and took you home. But for real, I miss you. I need something to sleep on top of me, no matter what position I'm in. I need something to meow forever long meows when I come in the door and walk anywhere near the kitchen. Buh.

As soon as a landlord issued a no pet rule, I get offered about a thousand free cats/dogs.