And how?

This has been the worst week of my life, by far. It has also held the most beautiful displays of respect and kindness I've ever seen. My step-mom, sister and I have been living on this roller-coaster that slowly came to a stop on Saturday afternoon, but we've been sitting in the seat all week. Not to mention the few hundred people who have been waiting for us to get off the ride.

I couldn't have wanted anything more beautiful for my dad, more perfect to honor his life than everything that has happened in the last few days. My sister and I had no CLUE how incredible he was. We have been surprised and excited a hundred times this week by story after story and testimony after testimony about my dad's kindness, compassion, leadership, humor and a ton of other qualities you'd attribute to a good man.

I just can't convince myself that this is real. I keep telling myself, and somehow I won't submit to the reality of this situation. I don't understand it really. I'm still trying to gather all of these thoughts and put them together. I feel like we're planning a surprise party and I get to see dad's reaction. Next Friday will be the first Christmas I have ever woken up and not eaten breakfast with my father. I think that will be the day the reality sets in.

I realize I have to start working on Monday. I miss my co-workers, but I have this whole new relationship with my step-mom that I want to devote my time to. I also realize that working means staying at my own apartment, which can be quite solitary, and could potentially cause me to think harder and feel more alone at a time when I need to be around someone, anyone.



Two news stations have done segments on my dad today, so far I can only find one video here.

And, if you're interested, you can see the guestbook from the online obituary here. It has 115 entries thus far!

I'm so thankful for all of the people at the Ky ANG who helped make this day beautiful for our family (which includes all of them, too)...

Breathe.

I caught myself telling my sister to take a deep breath when she's nervous - and I realized that it's the same thing I told kids to do before they jumped off the zipline at camp, mostly because I did the same thing when I got nervous, and it usually helped.

I'm figuring these days it's not quite helping as much as it did. When I jumped off the zipline cliff (or the old platform... those were the days...), my fears were immediately replaced with joy and adrenaline. Right now the fears just keep on coming.

I've been telling myself for weeks that I'm not stressed, I'm strong, I'm not freaking out over this. But I think my body has other plans - my eye has been twitching for two months continuously! My chest is tight, my stomach accepts nothing but bland food, and I'm starting to ache everywhere. Now I believe I've never been this stressed in my life.

Here's the update: Dad got better for a couple of weeks, then his white blood cell count went up really high along with his temperature. We did a cat scan, which showed infection, which we hadn't seen yet, and the day before thanksgiving we had surgery. The doctor said it wasn't likely that we'd have to have another, but it was possible. So dad was sedated from Wednesday afternoon to at least last Thursday. They did another surgery the Monday before that to remove more pancreas/pus, and another surgery to insert a Trach tube on Thursday. He woke up Thursday evening, and was doing great all weekend. Yesterday he started bleeding from pretty much everywhere, and last night he started gushing blood. They removed more blood today in surgery when they were trying to figure out where the bleeding was coming from. No news there, but they packed him full of gauze and are going to see if that will help them figure it out.

So, tonight I'm sitting with dad so my step-mom could go home and take a shower and a nap in her own bed (she hasn't slept in her bed in weeks). The plan is to keep blood in (since it's still trying to make its way out). BOO.

Please, if you're the praying type, please pray for him. He's truly struggling and he's stressing himself out. It's real hard to watch a man of his size and reputation fear for his life, even if it is while he's under crazy anesthesia.

For You, I sing I dance...

I am watching Oprah tell everyone that her show is ending and whatnot (it just happens to be on the TV in the room). I hope I don't offend anyone when I say I felt like I was watching a satirical movie. Weird.

In other news, I've been listening a lot to some live recordings of Phil Wickham, and it's changing my current life. There is something different about a lot of people truly worshiping in one place. It's an amazing thing. It reminds me of being at Passion in January 2007. That was an experience I'll never forget - a full stadium of people worshiping at once - people who WANTED to be there. Wow.

I sang Rutter's Requiem a few years ago at Carnegie Hall, and the words didn't mean half as much as they do to me now. I am so blessed to be friends with people who don't believe in God. That sounds weird, but I've really only had friends who are Christians (I might have had one or two distant friends who were not) until now. This is the first time I've had true friends who don't believe what I do. It's really awesome to learn from them in ways I wouldn't have imagined. God is definitely working in me in a completely different way.

This is all really, really random. Boop!

Dad, dad, he's our dad...

For those of you who are interested:

Dad was in ICU until today in LaGrange, and he was moved to ICU downtown this evening.

The verdict is Pancreatitis - apparently when his gall bladder was removed a couple of months ago, a stone was squeezed out (sounds comical, yes) and got stuck in his pancreas. Weeell, then it came out and was all "boo yah" on dad's stomach.

From what I heard yesterday, he's doing better, but not great. When I saw him, he was having trouble breathing and he looked swollen. He said he thinks he tore some ligaments when he was getting sick. Boo. He's comfy, though, since they're putting him on so much pain medication. He's been sleeping through a lot of the procedures. He was falling asleep while my sister and I were talking to my step mom and he would still answer questions - pretty funny.

Anyway, this evening his kidneys started doing weird stuff. I'm not sure what's going on there, but it's a part of the pancreatitis stuff. (My sister knows so much more about medical issues than I do... I'm counting on her for my info).

I know a lot of people who have come out of this type of stuff, and dad gives me confidence that he will because he's a strong dude. This does worry our family a lot, though, since his sister died from the same thing a few years ago... but dad definitely caught it and took care of it a lot quicker than she did, and we hope that will help a lot.

So keep praying! Thanks for all of the prayers so far. I love you guys.

Making Robin Stew

a) I wish I was still listening to music, because as soon as I stopped, I recognized the extreme awkwardness at the table next to me.

b) Real things.

I'm really frustrated with the turnover rate at both of my jobs. Not with the fact that people are leaving, but that the people I like are leaving. I get really excited when a co-worker turns into a friend, and even more excited when they treat me like a friend. I have a few of those. At least 5 of them are leaving in the next week or so. Guh.

Otherwise, I'm really happy. No kidding. This kind of weather puts me in a mood that I can't really get rid of (a good mood, I might add). I was reassured today that this month will be easier to pay for than I thought. I still don't have as much as I want, but I have what I need for the most part. Plus, I'm able to make a trip to Nashville and buy a new pair of jeans... Schweet!

I just wrote a cover letter for a job I really want. It probably sucked a lot and they probably won't ever call me back. I usually don't write cover letters for jobs I apply for through Louisvilleworks.com, but I got an email prompt for one (for that particular job) a week after I submitted my resume, and I thought it was probably a good idea.

Here's to beautiful trees and writing awesome songs with the best roommate I've ever had. And getting calls back from jobs, please.


For about 20 minutes after I shut my computer down, I was trying to leave Heine Bros. but couldn't because I got caught in a conversation with two of the aforementioned people. I get to work with them for part or all of their last shifts, which is awesome. What's better is that they both made it known that they feel the same about moi. God blesses me.

Happiness, how'd you get to be happiness?

This day has been pretty awesome. First of all, I got to work with all pleasant people at Gap this morning - no drama, all happy, and lots of hilarity! We laughed until we cried a couple of times, and that is probably only the second time that's happened since I've been at the Summit Gap. Boo. I found out one of my favorite managers is leaving, as well as a couple of my favorite people at Heine Bros... Boo again. But, that didn't exactly affect my day.

So, I went home, took a quick nap with the cat, who is awesome and keeps me warm, woke up energized and ready for my second shift today (at Heine this time). I got here early enough to use the internet for a couple of hours, was complimented by my manager for closing the store well last night (on my first shift leader shift, sort of), and found out I didn't actually have to work tonight - I somehow got it mixed up with another week, I guess. Schweet.

Plus! I'm wearing a sweet sweater and my hair looks awesome today.

I get this feeling that we've been here before?

I'm totally washing whites with colors right now. I really hope my new completely white t-shirt doesn't turn some shade of blue or brown. I only had three pieces of white clothing and I thought it was absolutely stupid to use 8 quarters on that crap. I'm also here to use wireless and the lady at the counter is new and doesn't "know anything about it." Turns out the jokes on her, because I just typed something random in and it ended up being the actual password... free wireless for me!

I went to a cousin's wedding this weekend that I rarely see (and I'm not saying I'd rather see him more often). My dad's big on family polity when it comes to weddings, apparently. Christmas parties can suck it, but weddings - we must be present. It was weird for me to see that family in a church setting, though. I haven't ever thought of them as Christians, mostly because I wouldn't group their kind with my kind (and I'm not saying I'm any better, or that there are only two kinds of people - just that we're freakishly different). It was really interesting and sort of poetic to see them in the Catholic culture light. At the same time, it's easy for me to think that they're just following family tradition. Who knows, maybe they pray more than I do (seeing as I have a major problem with communicating with God).

My dad was pretty pleasant on Saturday... normally I feel pressured to do things (professionally) that I don't want to do (i.e. join the Air National Guard, etc.). I think since he's getting ready to retire he's getting happier and more introspective. I like it. He kept watching my 7 year old nephew and laughing at him, asking questions about him. Dad asked Liam when he was going to get married, and Liam replied "Never!" My sister told him he had to kiss the girl to his right during the greeting part of the homily, and the girl to his right was me, which made him scream "No!" in the middle of the service. Hilarious.

Friday was awesome. I love that I'm talking about the past few days backwards. Actually the beginning of Friday sucked a lot, but Friday night removed all of the stress that was piled on during the day. Eric was in town, and I finally got to actually meet the guys in Knapsackheroes, instead of just hearing about them. And Lindsey got to meet Eric! Finally... I had been waiting for that to happen for a loooong time. I still wish Daphne had been here, too.

Well, the wireless never actually connected. Good thing I didn't pay for it.

Here is to new friends, old friends meeting, dads being happy, nephews screaming in church and cousins... being distant! haha...