The most beautiful music they had ever heard...

I just realized I hadn't said anything since Christmas... I feel like it wasn't that long ago! A lot of things have happened since then, though.

Christmas was weird, understandably. It was sad, but we are a strong family, and we got through it. Whitney, Janet and I shared a box of wine - we didn't finish it, but it definitely helped take the edge off! I didn't know how the day would feel, and I fully expected to feel upset. I'll be honest, I wasn't upset as much as I was uncomfortable. I felt like I was waiting for people to get there the whole time. Clearly dad's presence was a big one, because he was the only one missing. I wonder if every Christmas will feel like that.

If you know anything about the day dad died, you'll know that Psalm 23 was a big part of it. For Christmas, Whitney gave me a jar of "blessings," which were small papers with different scriptures written on them. She asked me to dig in and see what I got that day, so I closed my eyes and sifted through a few and grabbed one from the middle of the stack - you probably guessed already, but I grabbed Psalm 23. That moment was a good one for us on Christmas. I don't know a lot about how heaven works, but I hope that meant that Dad was there with us.

Since Christmas I've been working, and working seems to be getting me on the track to normal again. I keep seeing people for the first time, and no one knows what to say. I feel rude even mentioning that, and that's not my intention at all. I just never imagined that being an issue for the other person, or for me not knowing what to say back when someone says "I'm sorry." What is the proper response? Really? For the most part I just shake my head.

Someone at work sort of explained to me that when her dad died, it took her months to get a grip on that reality. I think we're in the same boat. She said she had moved away from home and since she hadn't spent that much time with him in a few years, it was harder to realize that he was gone forever. I hate that the same is true for me. Staying in this house is definitely helping me, though.

Something else that is helping has been getting to know some of dad's close friends. I was just telling one of them how odd it was that most of the people that I've met since October I have only known in an awkward "I don't know what to say" sense, but that it's been so good to get to know a few of them on a deeper level. There are only a handful of them who have put in a real effort to show my sister and I how much they loved and respected dad. It's so good to hear from them, in depth, what it was like for them to be friends with dad. We are still getting a whole new view of dad - I sort of wish I could have seen it myself, but it keeps me going when I continue hearing positive things. I wish I felt comfortable posting some of the things I've heard, but I feel like I might be disrespecting those who've shared. You should look at the guestbook again, if it's been a while. I believe there are 132 entries. It's been paid for and will stay up for the next year.

Another thing, I love my sister. Enough said.

About that time.

(Thank you for the comments, guys. I don't want you think I'm not reading them or appreciating what you say. I can't wait to see you, Sarah Beth Farmer - T.W.F.P. and Lynsey, and I DO want to get coffee with you, Lindsey, even if it IS starbucks...)

I want to say more about how this day and yesterday have felt, but I think it might offend some of you. I'll say that I haven't felt this raw until today. I've been waiting for the reality of the situation to show up on my brain's doorstep, and I think it's finally knocking. I'm a planner, and some of our plans just got thrown up in the air, and now I feel like Christmas is going to hurt worse than I thought it would.

I got a chance to see Lindsey for a few minutes today, which led me to finally feel comfortable talking through some of this with someone who knows me well enough to understand exactly what I'm saying, and exactly what she needs to tell me to feel somewhat less confused. It's nice to hear someone ask "how are you?" and expect an in depth, serious response. I don't feel like we had near enough time, though.

(And here's a secret - I really need you guys. I suck at feeling like I'm not intruding. If you feel like I'm not telling you enough, it's because I'm not. Just ask again.)

I change shapes...

I hope this isn't turning into a Debbie Downer blog. I can't say this stuff to someone's face but I want you guys to know (especially because it sucks to explain it multiple times). And I'm pretty sure the only people who care to read this are the Lindsey/Lynseys, Eric and maybe Tony. You guys probably want to know anyway.

Things have absolutely changed since the formalities ended and we started being away from larger amounts of people. It's not that I need to be entertained, it's that I don't know what to do or how to fix a feeling. I think it's because a lot of my feelings are conflicted with other feelings that I'm experiencing at the same time. It's causing a lot of anxiety. I want to stay in this house because I feel like I'm closer to dad, and I feel like I'm closer to Janet. I don't want to stay in this house because I feel like I might be interfering with Janet's mourning, or just getting in the way. I don't know how to tell Janet that I need her without making her feel like she needs to keep me occupied. I just need to be around? I also feel like I'll be intruding once I start working (tomorrow) and getting off work at 10:30 pm or later. But, I don't want to just throw my hands up in the air and go home to a dank, empty apartment and feel terrible because I'm scared I'll potentially get on someone's nerves.

I have had this conversation with my sister (and I'm not totally sure she completely understands what's going on inside), but I can tell that I'm subconsciously angry at this situation, and possibly partly angry with God. I know that I'm very much angry with myself, though. No amount of "you couldn't have known," or "anyone would feel this way in this situation" makes me feel better about it. I really, really screwed up, and now I can't fix my relationship with dad. I definitely let him know several times that I loved him for teaching me to be a certain way, and that I directly attributed any success I had in life to the way he fathered me. But I really neglected a real personal relationship.

My sister constantly brings up memories from the last couple of years that I completely missed out on. And no, I wasn't out of town. I was here, and had a million chances to call and say "let's have dinner," or "what are you guys up to this weekend?"

A week ago I was all about helping Janet cope by having a "normal" Christmas, but I completely feel differently, now. I remember telling her on Friday that I would like to just forget that it's Christmas at all. Christmas music is making me nauseous, which is weird, because the day before yesterday it was alright?

Don't be worried about me - my sister seems to think she needs to be. I know I'm just going through the motions, and it will be ok. I just think I'd like for my life to stay turned up-side down for a while so I don't fully remember what normalcy was like.

And how?

This has been the worst week of my life, by far. It has also held the most beautiful displays of respect and kindness I've ever seen. My step-mom, sister and I have been living on this roller-coaster that slowly came to a stop on Saturday afternoon, but we've been sitting in the seat all week. Not to mention the few hundred people who have been waiting for us to get off the ride.

I couldn't have wanted anything more beautiful for my dad, more perfect to honor his life than everything that has happened in the last few days. My sister and I had no CLUE how incredible he was. We have been surprised and excited a hundred times this week by story after story and testimony after testimony about my dad's kindness, compassion, leadership, humor and a ton of other qualities you'd attribute to a good man.

I just can't convince myself that this is real. I keep telling myself, and somehow I won't submit to the reality of this situation. I don't understand it really. I'm still trying to gather all of these thoughts and put them together. I feel like we're planning a surprise party and I get to see dad's reaction. Next Friday will be the first Christmas I have ever woken up and not eaten breakfast with my father. I think that will be the day the reality sets in.

I realize I have to start working on Monday. I miss my co-workers, but I have this whole new relationship with my step-mom that I want to devote my time to. I also realize that working means staying at my own apartment, which can be quite solitary, and could potentially cause me to think harder and feel more alone at a time when I need to be around someone, anyone.



Two news stations have done segments on my dad today, so far I can only find one video here.

And, if you're interested, you can see the guestbook from the online obituary here. It has 115 entries thus far!

I'm so thankful for all of the people at the Ky ANG who helped make this day beautiful for our family (which includes all of them, too)...

Breathe.

I caught myself telling my sister to take a deep breath when she's nervous - and I realized that it's the same thing I told kids to do before they jumped off the zipline at camp, mostly because I did the same thing when I got nervous, and it usually helped.

I'm figuring these days it's not quite helping as much as it did. When I jumped off the zipline cliff (or the old platform... those were the days...), my fears were immediately replaced with joy and adrenaline. Right now the fears just keep on coming.

I've been telling myself for weeks that I'm not stressed, I'm strong, I'm not freaking out over this. But I think my body has other plans - my eye has been twitching for two months continuously! My chest is tight, my stomach accepts nothing but bland food, and I'm starting to ache everywhere. Now I believe I've never been this stressed in my life.

Here's the update: Dad got better for a couple of weeks, then his white blood cell count went up really high along with his temperature. We did a cat scan, which showed infection, which we hadn't seen yet, and the day before thanksgiving we had surgery. The doctor said it wasn't likely that we'd have to have another, but it was possible. So dad was sedated from Wednesday afternoon to at least last Thursday. They did another surgery the Monday before that to remove more pancreas/pus, and another surgery to insert a Trach tube on Thursday. He woke up Thursday evening, and was doing great all weekend. Yesterday he started bleeding from pretty much everywhere, and last night he started gushing blood. They removed more blood today in surgery when they were trying to figure out where the bleeding was coming from. No news there, but they packed him full of gauze and are going to see if that will help them figure it out.

So, tonight I'm sitting with dad so my step-mom could go home and take a shower and a nap in her own bed (she hasn't slept in her bed in weeks). The plan is to keep blood in (since it's still trying to make its way out). BOO.

Please, if you're the praying type, please pray for him. He's truly struggling and he's stressing himself out. It's real hard to watch a man of his size and reputation fear for his life, even if it is while he's under crazy anesthesia.

For You, I sing I dance...

I am watching Oprah tell everyone that her show is ending and whatnot (it just happens to be on the TV in the room). I hope I don't offend anyone when I say I felt like I was watching a satirical movie. Weird.

In other news, I've been listening a lot to some live recordings of Phil Wickham, and it's changing my current life. There is something different about a lot of people truly worshiping in one place. It's an amazing thing. It reminds me of being at Passion in January 2007. That was an experience I'll never forget - a full stadium of people worshiping at once - people who WANTED to be there. Wow.

I sang Rutter's Requiem a few years ago at Carnegie Hall, and the words didn't mean half as much as they do to me now. I am so blessed to be friends with people who don't believe in God. That sounds weird, but I've really only had friends who are Christians (I might have had one or two distant friends who were not) until now. This is the first time I've had true friends who don't believe what I do. It's really awesome to learn from them in ways I wouldn't have imagined. God is definitely working in me in a completely different way.

This is all really, really random. Boop!

Dad, dad, he's our dad...

For those of you who are interested:

Dad was in ICU until today in LaGrange, and he was moved to ICU downtown this evening.

The verdict is Pancreatitis - apparently when his gall bladder was removed a couple of months ago, a stone was squeezed out (sounds comical, yes) and got stuck in his pancreas. Weeell, then it came out and was all "boo yah" on dad's stomach.

From what I heard yesterday, he's doing better, but not great. When I saw him, he was having trouble breathing and he looked swollen. He said he thinks he tore some ligaments when he was getting sick. Boo. He's comfy, though, since they're putting him on so much pain medication. He's been sleeping through a lot of the procedures. He was falling asleep while my sister and I were talking to my step mom and he would still answer questions - pretty funny.

Anyway, this evening his kidneys started doing weird stuff. I'm not sure what's going on there, but it's a part of the pancreatitis stuff. (My sister knows so much more about medical issues than I do... I'm counting on her for my info).

I know a lot of people who have come out of this type of stuff, and dad gives me confidence that he will because he's a strong dude. This does worry our family a lot, though, since his sister died from the same thing a few years ago... but dad definitely caught it and took care of it a lot quicker than she did, and we hope that will help a lot.

So keep praying! Thanks for all of the prayers so far. I love you guys.