I have a lot of days that I end up feeling like I have nothing valid to say, and only have half an idea of what the nothing valid is.
I'm sorry if I've recently subjected you to bad stories that have no tie to anything we've talked about recently.
I usually don't share my opinions because I feel like I'm uneducated. Unfortunately there are people who ask me what I think, and then I feel either like a jerk, unintentionally close-minded, or like I don't really make much sense. The latter is mostly true.
This week has been weird. I'm super stuttery and nervous, and I haven't been able to pin-point a reason for that.
Newsflash: I'm getting inked with family on Wednesday. I never thought I'd make something like this a family affair, but it will be cool.
4.12.2010
2.28.2010
Well, that was a bust...
The cat was, in fact, a female. Not Bruce. But I'm finding that he is a pretty normal looking cat, which doesn't really help me at all. Since I haven't been able to find him, I feel like someone has probably taken him in and their kid fell in love with Bruce-cat, and they don't want to give him up, even though there's a poster with his picture on it on their front door. Aboo. It hurts my feelings less than thinking he's hiding, freezing, and hungry outside. Or worse, dead.
Anyway, this week was horrid, and I won't go into a lot of detail. It's weird how I don't realize how raw my emotions really are until I'm stressed again. Big time stressed.
It sucks to be judged by someone you've never judged. It also sucks to watch someone extremely wholesome and awesome be brought down while his/her incredible reputation fades. I hate not being able to fix something (particularly this one thing), and anything I do just makes me look bad... well, at least to one person. I hate, hate, hate feeling like I'm losing a really good friend over something she didn't cause. All that aside, this last week, and especially yesterday, made me feel like maybe I SHOULDN'T be the only family member not on some sort of anti-anxiety med.
On a better note, I got to hang out with my incredibly cute niece and nephew today, and tomorrow I get to hang out with my other nephews. Thank God for non-dramatic people.
Anyway, this week was horrid, and I won't go into a lot of detail. It's weird how I don't realize how raw my emotions really are until I'm stressed again. Big time stressed.
It sucks to be judged by someone you've never judged. It also sucks to watch someone extremely wholesome and awesome be brought down while his/her incredible reputation fades. I hate not being able to fix something (particularly this one thing), and anything I do just makes me look bad... well, at least to one person. I hate, hate, hate feeling like I'm losing a really good friend over something she didn't cause. All that aside, this last week, and especially yesterday, made me feel like maybe I SHOULDN'T be the only family member not on some sort of anti-anxiety med.
On a better note, I got to hang out with my incredibly cute niece and nephew today, and tomorrow I get to hang out with my other nephews. Thank God for non-dramatic people.
2.25.2010
Swearsies.
I'm not forgetting about this blog, but I'm posting short stuff on Tumblr just because it's so TEMPTING! The rss feed is to the right over there. I feel like it's easier to post short, small stuff on it. You can also post one mp3 a day. Fun stuff.
SO! My cat got out the other day. I haven't found him yet. He's an indoor-only cat who is scared as hell of traffic, and we live about 40 feet from the wall of I-264. That's not a joke, and I'm not exaggerating. I want him to be safe and warm! I called the humane society today and they told me they had just received a black stray cat, but they didn't know the gender. They told me to look at their website for a picture, and I really honestly think it's him. The spot on it's chest is identical to Bruce's.
Other stressful things are happening. I think typing it out will just heighten the stress. Ew.
I have recently fallen in love with the following:
-The Buried Life of MTV fame. It's amazing.
-Sleeping in beds with dogs.
-Not snow. Or shoveling it.
SO! My cat got out the other day. I haven't found him yet. He's an indoor-only cat who is scared as hell of traffic, and we live about 40 feet from the wall of I-264. That's not a joke, and I'm not exaggerating. I want him to be safe and warm! I called the humane society today and they told me they had just received a black stray cat, but they didn't know the gender. They told me to look at their website for a picture, and I really honestly think it's him. The spot on it's chest is identical to Bruce's.
Other stressful things are happening. I think typing it out will just heighten the stress. Ew.
I have recently fallen in love with the following:
-The Buried Life of MTV fame. It's amazing.
-Sleeping in beds with dogs.
-Not snow. Or shoveling it.
2.03.2010
I'm being sneaky...
I'm pretty close to getting myself into something (good) that pretty much no-one would expect of me.
Secrets, secrets are no fun, unless you are the secretive one!
I'm not telling anytime soon, either. :D
Secrets, secrets are no fun, unless you are the secretive one!
I'm not telling anytime soon, either. :D
1.20.2010
The most beautiful music they had ever heard...
I just realized I hadn't said anything since Christmas... I feel like it wasn't that long ago! A lot of things have happened since then, though.
Christmas was weird, understandably. It was sad, but we are a strong family, and we got through it. Whitney, Janet and I shared a box of wine - we didn't finish it, but it definitely helped take the edge off! I didn't know how the day would feel, and I fully expected to feel upset. I'll be honest, I wasn't upset as much as I was uncomfortable. I felt like I was waiting for people to get there the whole time. Clearly dad's presence was a big one, because he was the only one missing. I wonder if every Christmas will feel like that.
If you know anything about the day dad died, you'll know that Psalm 23 was a big part of it. For Christmas, Whitney gave me a jar of "blessings," which were small papers with different scriptures written on them. She asked me to dig in and see what I got that day, so I closed my eyes and sifted through a few and grabbed one from the middle of the stack - you probably guessed already, but I grabbed Psalm 23. That moment was a good one for us on Christmas. I don't know a lot about how heaven works, but I hope that meant that Dad was there with us.
Since Christmas I've been working, and working seems to be getting me on the track to normal again. I keep seeing people for the first time, and no one knows what to say. I feel rude even mentioning that, and that's not my intention at all. I just never imagined that being an issue for the other person, or for me not knowing what to say back when someone says "I'm sorry." What is the proper response? Really? For the most part I just shake my head.
Someone at work sort of explained to me that when her dad died, it took her months to get a grip on that reality. I think we're in the same boat. She said she had moved away from home and since she hadn't spent that much time with him in a few years, it was harder to realize that he was gone forever. I hate that the same is true for me. Staying in this house is definitely helping me, though.
Something else that is helping has been getting to know some of dad's close friends. I was just telling one of them how odd it was that most of the people that I've met since October I have only known in an awkward "I don't know what to say" sense, but that it's been so good to get to know a few of them on a deeper level. There are only a handful of them who have put in a real effort to show my sister and I how much they loved and respected dad. It's so good to hear from them, in depth, what it was like for them to be friends with dad. We are still getting a whole new view of dad - I sort of wish I could have seen it myself, but it keeps me going when I continue hearing positive things. I wish I felt comfortable posting some of the things I've heard, but I feel like I might be disrespecting those who've shared. You should look at the guestbook again, if it's been a while. I believe there are 132 entries. It's been paid for and will stay up for the next year.
Another thing, I love my sister. Enough said.
Christmas was weird, understandably. It was sad, but we are a strong family, and we got through it. Whitney, Janet and I shared a box of wine - we didn't finish it, but it definitely helped take the edge off! I didn't know how the day would feel, and I fully expected to feel upset. I'll be honest, I wasn't upset as much as I was uncomfortable. I felt like I was waiting for people to get there the whole time. Clearly dad's presence was a big one, because he was the only one missing. I wonder if every Christmas will feel like that.
If you know anything about the day dad died, you'll know that Psalm 23 was a big part of it. For Christmas, Whitney gave me a jar of "blessings," which were small papers with different scriptures written on them. She asked me to dig in and see what I got that day, so I closed my eyes and sifted through a few and grabbed one from the middle of the stack - you probably guessed already, but I grabbed Psalm 23. That moment was a good one for us on Christmas. I don't know a lot about how heaven works, but I hope that meant that Dad was there with us.
Since Christmas I've been working, and working seems to be getting me on the track to normal again. I keep seeing people for the first time, and no one knows what to say. I feel rude even mentioning that, and that's not my intention at all. I just never imagined that being an issue for the other person, or for me not knowing what to say back when someone says "I'm sorry." What is the proper response? Really? For the most part I just shake my head.
Someone at work sort of explained to me that when her dad died, it took her months to get a grip on that reality. I think we're in the same boat. She said she had moved away from home and since she hadn't spent that much time with him in a few years, it was harder to realize that he was gone forever. I hate that the same is true for me. Staying in this house is definitely helping me, though.
Something else that is helping has been getting to know some of dad's close friends. I was just telling one of them how odd it was that most of the people that I've met since October I have only known in an awkward "I don't know what to say" sense, but that it's been so good to get to know a few of them on a deeper level. There are only a handful of them who have put in a real effort to show my sister and I how much they loved and respected dad. It's so good to hear from them, in depth, what it was like for them to be friends with dad. We are still getting a whole new view of dad - I sort of wish I could have seen it myself, but it keeps me going when I continue hearing positive things. I wish I felt comfortable posting some of the things I've heard, but I feel like I might be disrespecting those who've shared. You should look at the guestbook again, if it's been a while. I believe there are 132 entries. It's been paid for and will stay up for the next year.
Another thing, I love my sister. Enough said.
12.24.2009
About that time.
(Thank you for the comments, guys. I don't want you think I'm not reading them or appreciating what you say. I can't wait to see you, Sarah Beth Farmer - T.W.F.P. and Lynsey, and I DO want to get coffee with you, Lindsey, even if it IS starbucks...)
I want to say more about how this day and yesterday have felt, but I think it might offend some of you. I'll say that I haven't felt this raw until today. I've been waiting for the reality of the situation to show up on my brain's doorstep, and I think it's finally knocking. I'm a planner, and some of our plans just got thrown up in the air, and now I feel like Christmas is going to hurt worse than I thought it would.
I got a chance to see Lindsey for a few minutes today, which led me to finally feel comfortable talking through some of this with someone who knows me well enough to understand exactly what I'm saying, and exactly what she needs to tell me to feel somewhat less confused. It's nice to hear someone ask "how are you?" and expect an in depth, serious response. I don't feel like we had near enough time, though.
(And here's a secret - I really need you guys. I suck at feeling like I'm not intruding. If you feel like I'm not telling you enough, it's because I'm not. Just ask again.)
I want to say more about how this day and yesterday have felt, but I think it might offend some of you. I'll say that I haven't felt this raw until today. I've been waiting for the reality of the situation to show up on my brain's doorstep, and I think it's finally knocking. I'm a planner, and some of our plans just got thrown up in the air, and now I feel like Christmas is going to hurt worse than I thought it would.
I got a chance to see Lindsey for a few minutes today, which led me to finally feel comfortable talking through some of this with someone who knows me well enough to understand exactly what I'm saying, and exactly what she needs to tell me to feel somewhat less confused. It's nice to hear someone ask "how are you?" and expect an in depth, serious response. I don't feel like we had near enough time, though.
(And here's a secret - I really need you guys. I suck at feeling like I'm not intruding. If you feel like I'm not telling you enough, it's because I'm not. Just ask again.)
12.20.2009
I change shapes...
I hope this isn't turning into a Debbie Downer blog. I can't say this stuff to someone's face but I want you guys to know (especially because it sucks to explain it multiple times). And I'm pretty sure the only people who care to read this are the Lindsey/Lynseys, Eric and maybe Tony. You guys probably want to know anyway.
Things have absolutely changed since the formalities ended and we started being away from larger amounts of people. It's not that I need to be entertained, it's that I don't know what to do or how to fix a feeling. I think it's because a lot of my feelings are conflicted with other feelings that I'm experiencing at the same time. It's causing a lot of anxiety. I want to stay in this house because I feel like I'm closer to dad, and I feel like I'm closer to Janet. I don't want to stay in this house because I feel like I might be interfering with Janet's mourning, or just getting in the way. I don't know how to tell Janet that I need her without making her feel like she needs to keep me occupied. I just need to be around? I also feel like I'll be intruding once I start working (tomorrow) and getting off work at 10:30 pm or later. But, I don't want to just throw my hands up in the air and go home to a dank, empty apartment and feel terrible because I'm scared I'll potentially get on someone's nerves.
I have had this conversation with my sister (and I'm not totally sure she completely understands what's going on inside), but I can tell that I'm subconsciously angry at this situation, and possibly partly angry with God. I know that I'm very much angry with myself, though. No amount of "you couldn't have known," or "anyone would feel this way in this situation" makes me feel better about it. I really, really screwed up, and now I can't fix my relationship with dad. I definitely let him know several times that I loved him for teaching me to be a certain way, and that I directly attributed any success I had in life to the way he fathered me. But I really neglected a real personal relationship.
My sister constantly brings up memories from the last couple of years that I completely missed out on. And no, I wasn't out of town. I was here, and had a million chances to call and say "let's have dinner," or "what are you guys up to this weekend?"
A week ago I was all about helping Janet cope by having a "normal" Christmas, but I completely feel differently, now. I remember telling her on Friday that I would like to just forget that it's Christmas at all. Christmas music is making me nauseous, which is weird, because the day before yesterday it was alright?
Don't be worried about me - my sister seems to think she needs to be. I know I'm just going through the motions, and it will be ok. I just think I'd like for my life to stay turned up-side down for a while so I don't fully remember what normalcy was like.
Things have absolutely changed since the formalities ended and we started being away from larger amounts of people. It's not that I need to be entertained, it's that I don't know what to do or how to fix a feeling. I think it's because a lot of my feelings are conflicted with other feelings that I'm experiencing at the same time. It's causing a lot of anxiety. I want to stay in this house because I feel like I'm closer to dad, and I feel like I'm closer to Janet. I don't want to stay in this house because I feel like I might be interfering with Janet's mourning, or just getting in the way. I don't know how to tell Janet that I need her without making her feel like she needs to keep me occupied. I just need to be around? I also feel like I'll be intruding once I start working (tomorrow) and getting off work at 10:30 pm or later. But, I don't want to just throw my hands up in the air and go home to a dank, empty apartment and feel terrible because I'm scared I'll potentially get on someone's nerves.
I have had this conversation with my sister (and I'm not totally sure she completely understands what's going on inside), but I can tell that I'm subconsciously angry at this situation, and possibly partly angry with God. I know that I'm very much angry with myself, though. No amount of "you couldn't have known," or "anyone would feel this way in this situation" makes me feel better about it. I really, really screwed up, and now I can't fix my relationship with dad. I definitely let him know several times that I loved him for teaching me to be a certain way, and that I directly attributed any success I had in life to the way he fathered me. But I really neglected a real personal relationship.
My sister constantly brings up memories from the last couple of years that I completely missed out on. And no, I wasn't out of town. I was here, and had a million chances to call and say "let's have dinner," or "what are you guys up to this weekend?"
A week ago I was all about helping Janet cope by having a "normal" Christmas, but I completely feel differently, now. I remember telling her on Friday that I would like to just forget that it's Christmas at all. Christmas music is making me nauseous, which is weird, because the day before yesterday it was alright?
Don't be worried about me - my sister seems to think she needs to be. I know I'm just going through the motions, and it will be ok. I just think I'd like for my life to stay turned up-side down for a while so I don't fully remember what normalcy was like.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)