Let's just get a ton of sparklers and forget this all happened!

Things get on my nerves.

Politically and oil spill speaking, that is.

I wish people would pay attention to what's going on before they make comments on public websites. I pretty much never enter a political conversation unless I'm SURE I know what's up. I don't want to make a fool of myself. Apparently there are thousands who are more than willing to do so. Here is what I have to say in response:

A) Obama was not born before Hawaii was a state. End of discussion.

B) The oil spill was not an accident. End of discussion.

C) Oil is part of the CORE of the earth, and will mother nature will NOT clean herself up. End of discussion.

D) Please stop slapping labels on political parties/countries because one or more of that political party has/have said/done ignorant things. End of discussion.



And please, customers of businesses everywhere, do NOT hand employees of said business wet money. It's disgusting. Also, please don't be angry if I can't hold a straight face and/or not dry heave when I'm handling the wet money you just gave me. ha.

In other news, I was called a weed-smoking, unprofessional hippie over the phone tonight by a guy who got a bad drink at a different store. My life is awesome.

The life of an English Major...

I think perhaps the reason I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood or high school is because I didn't have the skills to analyze all the stuff that was going down. When I got to college, I got interested in English because, hey, everyone has to write papers, and why not be good at it?

English taught me to analyze, which could have been the best or worst skill set I would ever pick up. Analyzing helps me remember pretty thoroughly what is going down in my life. Recently it has helped me think about the whole Dad situation. Not that it makes me feel much better, but it does calm me to pick apart how I feel and put it into categories, etc. I know I look like some sort of freak... haha...

Another big part of me is a very free spirit, or in some areas, a spirit that longs to have more freedom. I think I'm stuck because I'm afraid of what some of my friends/family will think of me. It's funny, I kind of push the envelope every once in a while, being fully who I am in front of people who haven't been able to put their finger on me yet. I think some might be scared of that, or just confused by it. I feel at home at Heine Brothers, or with Lindsey and Derek, Daphne and Eric (ha, that rhymes!), and a few other places. But sometimes I'll spend time with people I know, but not totally well, but I still love them quite a bit. Here's where the analyzing comes in.

I get forgotten a lot among friends. Sometimes I think it's because I'm unmarried, and un-significant-othered. A lot of times, I'm completely right. I went to Disney World last year for the CCCA Conference with my co-workers... and their wives. I LOVE their wives, don't get me wrong... But, I didn't love going to Disney World as the 5th wheel, and the person everyone was awkwardly trying to figure out how I would end up on a ride... with who??? On more than one occasion I ended up completely alone. I actually went to Downtown Disney, alone. I ate at Ghirardelli's ice cream shop, alone. It sucked.

It left me thinking about why I was ditched, why was I left out? Does my personality get in the way of real conversation? Do I drive a good time into the ground?

Bottom line for me is that I always feel like I'm walking on glass as far as keeping friends goes, and then I start thinking about marriage, and how I will fail in that department, which I will NOT go into.

I need to say something positive... aaaaand it's that I'll be watching the USA world cup game tomorrow... and we better win!

If you're feelin' what I'm feelin' c'mon...

I just sneezed so hard while trying to hold it in that I'm pretty sure I woke the neighbors. There are some guys smoking on the porch across the pool, and I think they're trying to figure out if someone is out here. I'm just glad I have a screened in porch that I can utilize at 4 am while watching the storm :).

I'm trying to figure out a few things:

A) Why can't I go to sleep before 4 am for the past two weeks? Why am I WIDE AWAKE right now???

B) What to do with the rest of my life.

C) How to get myself back into the routine of a normal person.

D) If I'll ever meet the other people in these condos that stay up as late as I do.

I've had this strange obsession with music lately that I'm pretty okay with. There are certain bands that make me feel good on the inside. I can totally imagine myself at an outdoor arena with a beer (or in my case, a cider/or something more tastey... I just say beer so I don't break the vibe you're getting, since I know I'm the only one in my circle of friends that doesn't really care for it... back to what I'm saying in 3, 2, ...) in my hand, surrounded by dreamers like myself. I wrote on Tumblr how I was upset with myself for screwing up all of my chances at a good music festival this summer, which was kind of a goal for me to accomplish in 2010. Too late! Too much to do! Boo. I'm crossing my fingers that WFPK will pull off an amazing Waterfront Wednesday in July or August. Last August's Old Crow/Felice Brothers/Justin Townes Earle/Gillian and Dave show will be hard to top. I'm ready, FPK. Bring it on.

Bands I've just discovered that I'm looking forward to listening more to include: Delta Spirit, Grizzly Bear, Vandaveer, and Zeus.

A new website I'm obsessed with is La Blogoteque. Amazing stuff! It's quite a few videos of quite a few bands (and I mean quite a FEW) playing uncut street-ish shows that are extremely entertaining. Mostly because you get a peak at what most of the bands/artists are like in a fairly intimate setting.

One last note:

Every time I watch a video of Vampire Weekend, the only thing I'm really interested in seeing is their drummer (who seems to have the most entertaining enthusiasm of all of them). I continue to get more and more frustrated because he shows up in about 5% of EVERY video!!! No matter what it is! A Take Away Show, a live recording, anything! What the heck, people?

I'm a slightly happy girl tonight after not getting accosted while waiting 45 minutes for the train to move - my brother talked to me on the phone the entire time (which is a very rare occurrence, believe me) - and sitting at 4 am, outside, watching the storm. I love my porch.

This might be awkward...

…since I’m pretty sure my step-mom keeps up with me now. I’ve said it before, but I’m pretty glad that we have a tighter relationship now, because I’m pretty sure I would still be in a state of severe anger and confusion from the events of October through December, had we not become real friends.

Saturday we took a road trip to Ikea. I look forward to time minus TV with Janet because it results in me learning a lot about Dad, his relationship with Janet, and (funny, but true) his relationship and feelings toward Whitney and myself. It’s crazy how little we know. He was so humble, and I find it incredible that he had the character I’ve been hoping to gain for so long (and I had no idea…). I feel like we learned so much in the week after December 12th that it was hard for us to get a grip on what had happened. How can you be sad when you’re so proud? But there are days I wish I had been less distant and more interested in our conversations.

Anyway! Janet and I talked about how dad was told by a high school counselor that he’d never amount to anything (and I don’t even remember what the idea was, or how this story even came up). She told me about how he would give a speech at an event, and when he’d sit down he’d recall what his counselor told him, and wish that the counselor could see him in that moment.

Now, this is a big deal for me, because I’m pretty sure I’ve not told a soul this… but writing in my own presence seems easier than speaking to someone else in person. The last thing I said to my dad, before we made the decision to let him go (those words alone haunt me) was that I hoped I could amount to even half the person he was (and is!). I hate that I would have never said that to him in any other situation. I hate that I didn’t know him as well in that moment as I would in the days following. A couple of months later I stood over his grave and cried because I needed answers and advice. I still feel like I want to call and talk about what I want to do.

Lately the only two things that stress me out are thinking about all that has conspired in the last few months, and how I feel like I need to get the ball rolling in the right direction for the future of me. Really, I think I’m scared of making career decisions because of that. I think I’m scared that I’ll be a disappointment to dad if I make the wrong decision. I don’t want to be a failure, and I have no goals because of that. That leaves me in a position to feel comfortable where I am, even if I’m miserable (which I’m not, currently, but there is no way I’m going to stay in a place getting paid minimum wage for a very long time).

So, dad, what do you think? I’m pretty sure he’d be taking business classes right now if he were around. I had considered going to U of L, and it would have been cool to have been there at the same time.

Are you for real?

I've noticed a guy that comes into Heine every day that I work... And last night he bought a bag of chips while Bob was cleaning the bathrooms - mostly just to tell me that my face has "very nice features" and that I'm "very attractive."

While this is all very awkward and I responded with "Thank you! .95 cents please..."

.... it does make a girl feel good.

I know I promised pictures of my home, but since all of my memory cards are full, this picture will have to suffice for now...

You're not where you belong.

I'm all (well mostly) moved into my new place. It's quite nice! I've walked to work every day that I've worked a mid-shift in the past week. I love this neighborhood! It's sort of quaint-city style. It's funny how my perception of Louisville changes when I move from place to place. I hated Louisville while I was in college and when I graduated and had to move back in with my mom for a few months... I think it had to do with a part of my life that is now over, and I had changed so much that experiencing the same things made me feel very... who knows what I'm looking for. But, it didn't feel good.

I've moved into a part of town that is so much more colorful and diverse. I actually like what I see when I walk down the street. I love not driving for a full day!

All of this is bittersweet, though. I put myself into too much last week, and I didn't realize until I left Gap (for the last time) last Tuesday how overwhelming it would be. It seems really dramatic, I know, but I guess the events in the last few months make me feel entitled to a little bit of thinking too hard about things. I think for the most part it is hard for me to stop staying with Janet. I think we both grew from that experience of being together (albeit some nights we were just sleeping in the same house, not even crossing paths) during a time when we both needed someone to be around.

By the time I left for work Tuesday, knowing that it was my last day at Gap, I really hadn't put much thought into what it would be like to know I was never going back for anything more than buying clothes. There were a few moments even Tuesday that reminded me why I didn't want to be there anymore (i.e. asking a question to several people who completely ignored that I even spoke, etc...), but there were at least a couple of moments that made me feel a little sad about leaving. There are just a small handful of people that I'll miss. Other than that, I have a feeling I'll be completely forgotten soon enough. I think what made me feel so weird about leaving was knowing that the most stressful and difficult few months of my life had just unfolded while I was working there.

Things are starting to get positive, though. I'm going to Cape Cod in August (woohoo!!!) and working a week of camp in July with the Coomers, whom I love, and hopefully making a trip to Colorado, but only if the Curry's are willing to take me in...

Next post will contain pictures of said new digs.

You're right, Lynsey... Love wins.