About that time.

(Thank you for the comments, guys. I don't want you think I'm not reading them or appreciating what you say. I can't wait to see you, Sarah Beth Farmer - T.W.F.P. and Lynsey, and I DO want to get coffee with you, Lindsey, even if it IS starbucks...)

I want to say more about how this day and yesterday have felt, but I think it might offend some of you. I'll say that I haven't felt this raw until today. I've been waiting for the reality of the situation to show up on my brain's doorstep, and I think it's finally knocking. I'm a planner, and some of our plans just got thrown up in the air, and now I feel like Christmas is going to hurt worse than I thought it would.

I got a chance to see Lindsey for a few minutes today, which led me to finally feel comfortable talking through some of this with someone who knows me well enough to understand exactly what I'm saying, and exactly what she needs to tell me to feel somewhat less confused. It's nice to hear someone ask "how are you?" and expect an in depth, serious response. I don't feel like we had near enough time, though.

(And here's a secret - I really need you guys. I suck at feeling like I'm not intruding. If you feel like I'm not telling you enough, it's because I'm not. Just ask again.)

I change shapes...

I hope this isn't turning into a Debbie Downer blog. I can't say this stuff to someone's face but I want you guys to know (especially because it sucks to explain it multiple times). And I'm pretty sure the only people who care to read this are the Lindsey/Lynseys, Eric and maybe Tony. You guys probably want to know anyway.

Things have absolutely changed since the formalities ended and we started being away from larger amounts of people. It's not that I need to be entertained, it's that I don't know what to do or how to fix a feeling. I think it's because a lot of my feelings are conflicted with other feelings that I'm experiencing at the same time. It's causing a lot of anxiety. I want to stay in this house because I feel like I'm closer to dad, and I feel like I'm closer to Janet. I don't want to stay in this house because I feel like I might be interfering with Janet's mourning, or just getting in the way. I don't know how to tell Janet that I need her without making her feel like she needs to keep me occupied. I just need to be around? I also feel like I'll be intruding once I start working (tomorrow) and getting off work at 10:30 pm or later. But, I don't want to just throw my hands up in the air and go home to a dank, empty apartment and feel terrible because I'm scared I'll potentially get on someone's nerves.

I have had this conversation with my sister (and I'm not totally sure she completely understands what's going on inside), but I can tell that I'm subconsciously angry at this situation, and possibly partly angry with God. I know that I'm very much angry with myself, though. No amount of "you couldn't have known," or "anyone would feel this way in this situation" makes me feel better about it. I really, really screwed up, and now I can't fix my relationship with dad. I definitely let him know several times that I loved him for teaching me to be a certain way, and that I directly attributed any success I had in life to the way he fathered me. But I really neglected a real personal relationship.

My sister constantly brings up memories from the last couple of years that I completely missed out on. And no, I wasn't out of town. I was here, and had a million chances to call and say "let's have dinner," or "what are you guys up to this weekend?"

A week ago I was all about helping Janet cope by having a "normal" Christmas, but I completely feel differently, now. I remember telling her on Friday that I would like to just forget that it's Christmas at all. Christmas music is making me nauseous, which is weird, because the day before yesterday it was alright?

Don't be worried about me - my sister seems to think she needs to be. I know I'm just going through the motions, and it will be ok. I just think I'd like for my life to stay turned up-side down for a while so I don't fully remember what normalcy was like.

And how?

This has been the worst week of my life, by far. It has also held the most beautiful displays of respect and kindness I've ever seen. My step-mom, sister and I have been living on this roller-coaster that slowly came to a stop on Saturday afternoon, but we've been sitting in the seat all week. Not to mention the few hundred people who have been waiting for us to get off the ride.

I couldn't have wanted anything more beautiful for my dad, more perfect to honor his life than everything that has happened in the last few days. My sister and I had no CLUE how incredible he was. We have been surprised and excited a hundred times this week by story after story and testimony after testimony about my dad's kindness, compassion, leadership, humor and a ton of other qualities you'd attribute to a good man.

I just can't convince myself that this is real. I keep telling myself, and somehow I won't submit to the reality of this situation. I don't understand it really. I'm still trying to gather all of these thoughts and put them together. I feel like we're planning a surprise party and I get to see dad's reaction. Next Friday will be the first Christmas I have ever woken up and not eaten breakfast with my father. I think that will be the day the reality sets in.

I realize I have to start working on Monday. I miss my co-workers, but I have this whole new relationship with my step-mom that I want to devote my time to. I also realize that working means staying at my own apartment, which can be quite solitary, and could potentially cause me to think harder and feel more alone at a time when I need to be around someone, anyone.



Two news stations have done segments on my dad today, so far I can only find one video here.

And, if you're interested, you can see the guestbook from the online obituary here. It has 115 entries thus far!

I'm so thankful for all of the people at the Ky ANG who helped make this day beautiful for our family (which includes all of them, too)...

Breathe.

I caught myself telling my sister to take a deep breath when she's nervous - and I realized that it's the same thing I told kids to do before they jumped off the zipline at camp, mostly because I did the same thing when I got nervous, and it usually helped.

I'm figuring these days it's not quite helping as much as it did. When I jumped off the zipline cliff (or the old platform... those were the days...), my fears were immediately replaced with joy and adrenaline. Right now the fears just keep on coming.

I've been telling myself for weeks that I'm not stressed, I'm strong, I'm not freaking out over this. But I think my body has other plans - my eye has been twitching for two months continuously! My chest is tight, my stomach accepts nothing but bland food, and I'm starting to ache everywhere. Now I believe I've never been this stressed in my life.

Here's the update: Dad got better for a couple of weeks, then his white blood cell count went up really high along with his temperature. We did a cat scan, which showed infection, which we hadn't seen yet, and the day before thanksgiving we had surgery. The doctor said it wasn't likely that we'd have to have another, but it was possible. So dad was sedated from Wednesday afternoon to at least last Thursday. They did another surgery the Monday before that to remove more pancreas/pus, and another surgery to insert a Trach tube on Thursday. He woke up Thursday evening, and was doing great all weekend. Yesterday he started bleeding from pretty much everywhere, and last night he started gushing blood. They removed more blood today in surgery when they were trying to figure out where the bleeding was coming from. No news there, but they packed him full of gauze and are going to see if that will help them figure it out.

So, tonight I'm sitting with dad so my step-mom could go home and take a shower and a nap in her own bed (she hasn't slept in her bed in weeks). The plan is to keep blood in (since it's still trying to make its way out). BOO.

Please, if you're the praying type, please pray for him. He's truly struggling and he's stressing himself out. It's real hard to watch a man of his size and reputation fear for his life, even if it is while he's under crazy anesthesia.

For You, I sing I dance...

I am watching Oprah tell everyone that her show is ending and whatnot (it just happens to be on the TV in the room). I hope I don't offend anyone when I say I felt like I was watching a satirical movie. Weird.

In other news, I've been listening a lot to some live recordings of Phil Wickham, and it's changing my current life. There is something different about a lot of people truly worshiping in one place. It's an amazing thing. It reminds me of being at Passion in January 2007. That was an experience I'll never forget - a full stadium of people worshiping at once - people who WANTED to be there. Wow.

I sang Rutter's Requiem a few years ago at Carnegie Hall, and the words didn't mean half as much as they do to me now. I am so blessed to be friends with people who don't believe in God. That sounds weird, but I've really only had friends who are Christians (I might have had one or two distant friends who were not) until now. This is the first time I've had true friends who don't believe what I do. It's really awesome to learn from them in ways I wouldn't have imagined. God is definitely working in me in a completely different way.

This is all really, really random. Boop!

Dad, dad, he's our dad...

For those of you who are interested:

Dad was in ICU until today in LaGrange, and he was moved to ICU downtown this evening.

The verdict is Pancreatitis - apparently when his gall bladder was removed a couple of months ago, a stone was squeezed out (sounds comical, yes) and got stuck in his pancreas. Weeell, then it came out and was all "boo yah" on dad's stomach.

From what I heard yesterday, he's doing better, but not great. When I saw him, he was having trouble breathing and he looked swollen. He said he thinks he tore some ligaments when he was getting sick. Boo. He's comfy, though, since they're putting him on so much pain medication. He's been sleeping through a lot of the procedures. He was falling asleep while my sister and I were talking to my step mom and he would still answer questions - pretty funny.

Anyway, this evening his kidneys started doing weird stuff. I'm not sure what's going on there, but it's a part of the pancreatitis stuff. (My sister knows so much more about medical issues than I do... I'm counting on her for my info).

I know a lot of people who have come out of this type of stuff, and dad gives me confidence that he will because he's a strong dude. This does worry our family a lot, though, since his sister died from the same thing a few years ago... but dad definitely caught it and took care of it a lot quicker than she did, and we hope that will help a lot.

So keep praying! Thanks for all of the prayers so far. I love you guys.

Making Robin Stew

a) I wish I was still listening to music, because as soon as I stopped, I recognized the extreme awkwardness at the table next to me.

b) Real things.

I'm really frustrated with the turnover rate at both of my jobs. Not with the fact that people are leaving, but that the people I like are leaving. I get really excited when a co-worker turns into a friend, and even more excited when they treat me like a friend. I have a few of those. At least 5 of them are leaving in the next week or so. Guh.

Otherwise, I'm really happy. No kidding. This kind of weather puts me in a mood that I can't really get rid of (a good mood, I might add). I was reassured today that this month will be easier to pay for than I thought. I still don't have as much as I want, but I have what I need for the most part. Plus, I'm able to make a trip to Nashville and buy a new pair of jeans... Schweet!

I just wrote a cover letter for a job I really want. It probably sucked a lot and they probably won't ever call me back. I usually don't write cover letters for jobs I apply for through Louisvilleworks.com, but I got an email prompt for one (for that particular job) a week after I submitted my resume, and I thought it was probably a good idea.

Here's to beautiful trees and writing awesome songs with the best roommate I've ever had. And getting calls back from jobs, please.


For about 20 minutes after I shut my computer down, I was trying to leave Heine Bros. but couldn't because I got caught in a conversation with two of the aforementioned people. I get to work with them for part or all of their last shifts, which is awesome. What's better is that they both made it known that they feel the same about moi. God blesses me.

Happiness, how'd you get to be happiness?

This day has been pretty awesome. First of all, I got to work with all pleasant people at Gap this morning - no drama, all happy, and lots of hilarity! We laughed until we cried a couple of times, and that is probably only the second time that's happened since I've been at the Summit Gap. Boo. I found out one of my favorite managers is leaving, as well as a couple of my favorite people at Heine Bros... Boo again. But, that didn't exactly affect my day.

So, I went home, took a quick nap with the cat, who is awesome and keeps me warm, woke up energized and ready for my second shift today (at Heine this time). I got here early enough to use the internet for a couple of hours, was complimented by my manager for closing the store well last night (on my first shift leader shift, sort of), and found out I didn't actually have to work tonight - I somehow got it mixed up with another week, I guess. Schweet.

Plus! I'm wearing a sweet sweater and my hair looks awesome today.

I get this feeling that we've been here before?

I'm totally washing whites with colors right now. I really hope my new completely white t-shirt doesn't turn some shade of blue or brown. I only had three pieces of white clothing and I thought it was absolutely stupid to use 8 quarters on that crap. I'm also here to use wireless and the lady at the counter is new and doesn't "know anything about it." Turns out the jokes on her, because I just typed something random in and it ended up being the actual password... free wireless for me!

I went to a cousin's wedding this weekend that I rarely see (and I'm not saying I'd rather see him more often). My dad's big on family polity when it comes to weddings, apparently. Christmas parties can suck it, but weddings - we must be present. It was weird for me to see that family in a church setting, though. I haven't ever thought of them as Christians, mostly because I wouldn't group their kind with my kind (and I'm not saying I'm any better, or that there are only two kinds of people - just that we're freakishly different). It was really interesting and sort of poetic to see them in the Catholic culture light. At the same time, it's easy for me to think that they're just following family tradition. Who knows, maybe they pray more than I do (seeing as I have a major problem with communicating with God).

My dad was pretty pleasant on Saturday... normally I feel pressured to do things (professionally) that I don't want to do (i.e. join the Air National Guard, etc.). I think since he's getting ready to retire he's getting happier and more introspective. I like it. He kept watching my 7 year old nephew and laughing at him, asking questions about him. Dad asked Liam when he was going to get married, and Liam replied "Never!" My sister told him he had to kiss the girl to his right during the greeting part of the homily, and the girl to his right was me, which made him scream "No!" in the middle of the service. Hilarious.

Friday was awesome. I love that I'm talking about the past few days backwards. Actually the beginning of Friday sucked a lot, but Friday night removed all of the stress that was piled on during the day. Eric was in town, and I finally got to actually meet the guys in Knapsackheroes, instead of just hearing about them. And Lindsey got to meet Eric! Finally... I had been waiting for that to happen for a loooong time. I still wish Daphne had been here, too.

Well, the wireless never actually connected. Good thing I didn't pay for it.

Here is to new friends, old friends meeting, dads being happy, nephews screaming in church and cousins... being distant! haha...

Hoo Man.

Well, several things going on in my life. Work, sleep, work, work, sleep, work, work, sleep, new baby nephew, work, sleep, work, etc. You get the point.

Baby Ethan was born! It has been so cool to watch his sister figure him out. She was really nervous at first, but that only lasted a minute tops. She was kissing him on the cheek soon after. At one point she heard him crying and she grabbed a toy giraffe someone had bought him and took it to him immediately. Hilarious. So sweet! I am too obsessed with them. (And blessed, I suppose...)

Still looking for jeorbs! I finally heard someone recognize how valuable I am at Gap, and it felt good to know that people think I'm a good employee, although I'll be leaving as soon as I find a higher paying job. I'm used to jobs where you get affirmed every once in a while. Megan started working at Heine Brothers last week, and I'm excited to work with her again. She's hilarious, and I'm so glad I get to live with her!

I just put a lot of new music (for me) on my playlist on the bottom of the page. Be sure to check it out, if you're interested in that sort of stuff. Obviously The Rolling Stones is nothing new, but it's sort of a remix that is catchy.

I need more interesting things to say. Oh yeah! In the NY Times Magazine today there was a column about how useless bachelors degrees are these days. SO TRUE, especially in my experience since I graduated. It sucks a lot, too. I feel like a lot of parents of college grads in recent years are angry because they aren't taking jobs that apply to their degrees right now. It's a little unfair, at this point. My dad has pressured me about it, and it sucks. I am desperate for more school. I want to learn and be intellectual. I feel like I'm losing brain cells by just working mindless jobs all of the time.

That was a run-on thought. :)

Funny how I open my mouth too early, too often...

My job experiences switched places after Monday. I had my first bad experience as a barista (involves boiling hot water/coffee on my hand, running out of brewed coffee and getting into trouble for not writing names on cups during a rush period. boo...), and started having a little more fun at Gap (some people may disagree that it is "fun," but I seriously enjoy putting decals on windows, dressing mannequins and setting up displays/walls... weird, but true).

We got a few new shirts in at Gap Kids the other day - you know what I'm getting at? One of the girls shirts says something about Sugar Cookies. That's all you need to know.

At 6 and 7 am, we spend a lot of time trying to keep ourselves awake by talking about things that make me feel a little lame around 5 pm. Our topic of choice is usually our top 5 list, meaning the top 5 actors that we think are attractive. I get in trouble for adding musicians too often. We don't collaborate, we each have a personal list, and here is mine, so far (haaaaaaaaaaa):

1. John Krasinski forever.
2. Jude Law (minus his skank-ness)
3. Luke Wilson
4. The guy who travels with Justin Townes Earle (whose name is Cory Younts, I believe) (This is my musician allowance.)

and... drum-roll please.....................................

5. Gary Busey.

Ok, Gary Busey is just a place holder until I can think of someone real to put in spot #5. Any suggestions?

Theories and Love

I have some theories brewing for this blog. One is about the clothing in Gap Kids. The shirts encourage boys to exercise (i.e. football, soccer, basketball, thumb-wrestling tees, etc.), and convince girls to EAT (i.e. "ice cream for breakfast, donuts for dinner," "french fries are vegetables, too," etc.). The other is about the MUSIC in Gap Kids. Seriously, in 5 hours time (with a 15 minute break) ALL of the songs were about love, or the middle school version of love. That just gives every kid false hope. If your 5th grade romance lasts forever, DENANG. I'm looking for that kind of love. Please.

I really love working at Heine Bros. It's such a relief to be here even after working at Gap all morning and getting off about an hour before I have to start making coffee. I like the people that come in to Heine Bros., for the most part. In the past three days I've been yelled at about 3 times at Gap by greedy customers that want to make returns past date, or get their one-time-use coupons back. One lady gave me a nice nick-name. Starts with a B and ends with a scratch. I hope that doesn't confuse you.

But, getting back to the good stuff, I really like that I'm sitting here, catching up on what's going on in the world, and a regular customer stopped to chat. That really makes me happy. I need more good people interaction, please.

I still miss you guys.

Que??

I can't believe none of you thought that dream was awesome.

I'm back at Panera. Boo. Their green tea sucks compared to what I've been drinking at Heine Bros. There is also a crying baby right behind me, and for some reason that really irks me today.

I've been so sick this week! And the sickness is moving into a different part of me every morning - weird, huh? First it was just my throat, blisters everywhere. Then it was my body aching all over (the throat stuff was mostly over at that point). Now, today, it's just a major head cold, i.e. snot EVERYWHERE, and I sound like a man. Grand! But it's not so bad because I got to sleep in today.

Not a whole lot of awesome stuff to talk about right now. I'm going to quit the Gap pretty soon. I'm getting uber frustrated with the management because they're doing a really bad job of scheduling and it's hurting me money-wise.

Recently I discovered Beirut, Smog and John Fahey, and was treated to some Townes Van Zandt, who I'd never really heard. One reason I love working at Heine Bros. - everyone has good taste in music. One of the girls I work with at Gap has an obsession with Miley Cyrus and it makes me want to barf. Guh.

Does green tea cause crazy dreams??

I think I may have pinpointed the problem (if you call this a problem). I think another reason I keep having incredible dreams is that I'm waking up in the middle of them... i.e. I have to get up way too soon after I go to bed. This isn't my choice, people! I get off at Heine Bros. around 11 pm and have to go in at Gap at 7 am, sometimes 6. Thursday morning I had to be at Gap at 6 am, and my downstairs neighbors decided they'd watch a movie that was full of explosions and machine guns around 11:30 pm. Grand! This didn't end until around 12:30, and I couldn't sleep for about another 20 minutes because I was so mad and nervous that I would oversleep. And oversleep I did... but only by about 25 minutes. I made it to work on time, albeit tired.

BUT! The point of this is that I had another incredible dream. In my dream, there was a talent show, and the talent show was entirely on ice. As in ice skating. Awesome. I know that Lindsey and Derek were in on my groups entry, as well as Cameron, and I can't remember who else was with us, but in all there were about ten people involved in our talent show submission.

Cameron (ha, I just typed Camerson) wrote an entire skit for us, which went as follows. Each of us in the group represented someone who was in their mid- to late-30's. We each had a kid in high school. As we dropped our kids off at high school, we were sad, considering none of us had finished high school ourselves. We each respectively desired to go BACK to high school and get our diploma. Next scene, we are all in a class together. Particularly History class. We are so thrilled with our high school experience that we apparently really get into our studies, and the history book comes to life! We then each represent a different character from the book. I don't remember anyone's character but my own... I was to be the American Indian and wear a head-dress and full Indian garb (including some sort of feather covered gloves?). The entire time I was thinking "I can't ice-skate without all of this crap on, how am I supposed to do this with 20 pounds of extra clothing??" Thankfully my dream ended just before the talent show started. + 100 points for an extreme awesome dream.

News to some, Redundant for others...

I know I've told some of you (who read this) about this already, but I know the others will highly enjoy it, too...

I've been a dreamin' machine this week! A few nights ago I had a dream that someone was trying to kill me (and someone else we know, I can't remember who it was, though). It was a sniper who had a team that would call my cell phone and tell me to move a little to the right or left... Obviously I was way smarter than that and would move the other direction. +10 smart points for Abigail.

On Monday night I had a dream that a lot of my friends (that should read "us") and I were living in a beach-front dorm. We were watching the water and the moon when the moon was suddenly pulled down (veeeeeery quickly) by some weird force. Then we all realized that the ocean was pouring over an edge. Like any typical horror movie, we all ran inside and upstairs. Smart, huh? (-5 smart points for Abigail). While waiting for something to happen, I wondered if I had time to use the bathroom. I walked out into the hallway and peeked through the blinds to see how quickly the edge of the ocean was approaching, only to see that our building was about to be sucked into the mysterious pit. My first instinct was to hold my nose to be ready for the underwater experience. To my surprise, there was no current at the bottom of the pit, just a bunch of people swimming around and not being freaked out. Awesome? Maybe. During the whole dream I kept thinking "this is just like the plot of [a non-existent horror movie that I made up]." I need to send that idea to M. Night Shamalamadingdong, or Alfred Hitchcock. Wait...

+25 awesome dream points for Abigail.

I'm still looking for jobs. I'm sooooooooooooooo tired of putting in all of my information and forwarding and re-forwarding my resume and typing up new cover letters for employers who NEVER call me back. It seems like the biggest waste of time, and I'm so sick of effing spam jobs and being directed to other websites that want my personal information. It shouldn't be this hard to get through to some employers. I have management experience! I stayed at one job for 9 years! I have a FREAKIN' degree! Hire me already! I'm probably way better than that jerk that you hired straight out of high school, and I'm probably way more worth the money you're giving them. Seriously.

Hello to more readers than I thought :)

That is pleasant, it is. A fly has landed in my hair at least three times since I got to Heine Bros.

It got stuck once, so far.

Dani and Matt (!!!!) were here for a few days. I should say more about that, but seriously, what do I even say? It was ah-mazing. O-mazing, even. I can. not. wait. until they move home.

I'm ready and willing to join a church soon... I'm thinking about getting into the new members class at Sojourn, even though I've only attended a couple of services.

I feel stupid typing this at work.

Doneskis!

You're so down home, girl.

I LOVE finding out that I'm still in love with things I used to be in love with. I push live bluegrass off like an acquaintance and forget how happy it makes me... It's like running into an old best friend.

Warning - this next part is a peering into a part of my brain that I might should keep to myself, but I have to say: I could fall in love with any man that can play several instruments and carry a tune.

Buh.

New bands to check out, if you haven't already:

Justin Townes Earle

The Felice Brothers

Do it. Do it. Do it.

If you're reading this, I probably miss you. I almost guarantee it's just Lynsey :)

Why is Panera SO COLD?

I'm really torn about which job I will quit when I am hired full time somewhere (and I WILL be hired full time somewhere... hopefully very very soon). I like both of them more than the other on different days. Buh.

Yesterday I went running/walking in my neighborhood (in the hours between the monsoons). I had intended to be gone for an hour when I left, then changed my mind and decided maybe 30-45 minutes was good. I thought I was making a circle, but I apparently had made some sort of really awkward loop and ended up lost... for a good half hour. Luckily I was toting my iPod for musical support, and it helped me in two ways: I found WiFi in front of someone's house and used the maps app. to get directions (haaaaa) and, once I got close to home (but not quite close enough) an old school Norma Jean song came on and made me run like someone was chasing me. This was perfect due to the fact that I walked into my apartment about 30 seconds before the second tsunami of the day. Woo!

Mistake number 2 of the day happened when I mixed up two porta-filters at Heine Brothers and put one without a basket on the espresso machine... coffee everywhere, especially in ma face. This was hilarious to me, and to the customer who ordered the latte, but everyone else was freaking out. Ah well. Plus! I am pretty sure God pressured me to wear glasses yesterday because if I hadn't been wearing them I would have had hot, wet coffee grinds in my eyes. Wonderful.

I really hope some of you guys are actually reading this... I'm going to pretend that you are, even if you aren't. Ha!

I would just like to say...

... that my mom is pretty awesome. I guarantee that I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but I can tell where I got my generosity trait. Mom is a giver, even when she doesn't really have anything to give. O-mazing. I've been working for a while on being more Christ-like to my family. Funny how it's so easy to be a turd to the people who do the most for you.

In other news, I'm on a full-fledged hunt for a full time job. Help?

None of this will be entertaining. Or it might.

Newsflash: Panera doesn't like Xanga. Does anyone know why? It strikes me as a little odd. If you're really interested in my old blog, check 'er out.

Yesterday was gross, all day. I catch myself saying that a lot. It rained from the time I left the Harris home (at 5:30 am) and left for work (6:40 am), all through my 5 hour nap (at least I think so) and the entire time I was at Heine Brothers (until 11 pm). (I really don't normally use that many parenthesis.)

Weirdness, I really like rain. I love gloomy days. If I ever complain about the weather (unless there is something awesome going on outside), please remind me that I'm lying.

I should move to Europe.