About that time.

(Thank you for the comments, guys. I don't want you think I'm not reading them or appreciating what you say. I can't wait to see you, Sarah Beth Farmer - T.W.F.P. and Lynsey, and I DO want to get coffee with you, Lindsey, even if it IS starbucks...)

I want to say more about how this day and yesterday have felt, but I think it might offend some of you. I'll say that I haven't felt this raw until today. I've been waiting for the reality of the situation to show up on my brain's doorstep, and I think it's finally knocking. I'm a planner, and some of our plans just got thrown up in the air, and now I feel like Christmas is going to hurt worse than I thought it would.

I got a chance to see Lindsey for a few minutes today, which led me to finally feel comfortable talking through some of this with someone who knows me well enough to understand exactly what I'm saying, and exactly what she needs to tell me to feel somewhat less confused. It's nice to hear someone ask "how are you?" and expect an in depth, serious response. I don't feel like we had near enough time, though.

(And here's a secret - I really need you guys. I suck at feeling like I'm not intruding. If you feel like I'm not telling you enough, it's because I'm not. Just ask again.)

I change shapes...

I hope this isn't turning into a Debbie Downer blog. I can't say this stuff to someone's face but I want you guys to know (especially because it sucks to explain it multiple times). And I'm pretty sure the only people who care to read this are the Lindsey/Lynseys, Eric and maybe Tony. You guys probably want to know anyway.

Things have absolutely changed since the formalities ended and we started being away from larger amounts of people. It's not that I need to be entertained, it's that I don't know what to do or how to fix a feeling. I think it's because a lot of my feelings are conflicted with other feelings that I'm experiencing at the same time. It's causing a lot of anxiety. I want to stay in this house because I feel like I'm closer to dad, and I feel like I'm closer to Janet. I don't want to stay in this house because I feel like I might be interfering with Janet's mourning, or just getting in the way. I don't know how to tell Janet that I need her without making her feel like she needs to keep me occupied. I just need to be around? I also feel like I'll be intruding once I start working (tomorrow) and getting off work at 10:30 pm or later. But, I don't want to just throw my hands up in the air and go home to a dank, empty apartment and feel terrible because I'm scared I'll potentially get on someone's nerves.

I have had this conversation with my sister (and I'm not totally sure she completely understands what's going on inside), but I can tell that I'm subconsciously angry at this situation, and possibly partly angry with God. I know that I'm very much angry with myself, though. No amount of "you couldn't have known," or "anyone would feel this way in this situation" makes me feel better about it. I really, really screwed up, and now I can't fix my relationship with dad. I definitely let him know several times that I loved him for teaching me to be a certain way, and that I directly attributed any success I had in life to the way he fathered me. But I really neglected a real personal relationship.

My sister constantly brings up memories from the last couple of years that I completely missed out on. And no, I wasn't out of town. I was here, and had a million chances to call and say "let's have dinner," or "what are you guys up to this weekend?"

A week ago I was all about helping Janet cope by having a "normal" Christmas, but I completely feel differently, now. I remember telling her on Friday that I would like to just forget that it's Christmas at all. Christmas music is making me nauseous, which is weird, because the day before yesterday it was alright?

Don't be worried about me - my sister seems to think she needs to be. I know I'm just going through the motions, and it will be ok. I just think I'd like for my life to stay turned up-side down for a while so I don't fully remember what normalcy was like.

And how?

This has been the worst week of my life, by far. It has also held the most beautiful displays of respect and kindness I've ever seen. My step-mom, sister and I have been living on this roller-coaster that slowly came to a stop on Saturday afternoon, but we've been sitting in the seat all week. Not to mention the few hundred people who have been waiting for us to get off the ride.

I couldn't have wanted anything more beautiful for my dad, more perfect to honor his life than everything that has happened in the last few days. My sister and I had no CLUE how incredible he was. We have been surprised and excited a hundred times this week by story after story and testimony after testimony about my dad's kindness, compassion, leadership, humor and a ton of other qualities you'd attribute to a good man.

I just can't convince myself that this is real. I keep telling myself, and somehow I won't submit to the reality of this situation. I don't understand it really. I'm still trying to gather all of these thoughts and put them together. I feel like we're planning a surprise party and I get to see dad's reaction. Next Friday will be the first Christmas I have ever woken up and not eaten breakfast with my father. I think that will be the day the reality sets in.

I realize I have to start working on Monday. I miss my co-workers, but I have this whole new relationship with my step-mom that I want to devote my time to. I also realize that working means staying at my own apartment, which can be quite solitary, and could potentially cause me to think harder and feel more alone at a time when I need to be around someone, anyone.



Two news stations have done segments on my dad today, so far I can only find one video here.

And, if you're interested, you can see the guestbook from the online obituary here. It has 115 entries thus far!

I'm so thankful for all of the people at the Ky ANG who helped make this day beautiful for our family (which includes all of them, too)...

Breathe.

I caught myself telling my sister to take a deep breath when she's nervous - and I realized that it's the same thing I told kids to do before they jumped off the zipline at camp, mostly because I did the same thing when I got nervous, and it usually helped.

I'm figuring these days it's not quite helping as much as it did. When I jumped off the zipline cliff (or the old platform... those were the days...), my fears were immediately replaced with joy and adrenaline. Right now the fears just keep on coming.

I've been telling myself for weeks that I'm not stressed, I'm strong, I'm not freaking out over this. But I think my body has other plans - my eye has been twitching for two months continuously! My chest is tight, my stomach accepts nothing but bland food, and I'm starting to ache everywhere. Now I believe I've never been this stressed in my life.

Here's the update: Dad got better for a couple of weeks, then his white blood cell count went up really high along with his temperature. We did a cat scan, which showed infection, which we hadn't seen yet, and the day before thanksgiving we had surgery. The doctor said it wasn't likely that we'd have to have another, but it was possible. So dad was sedated from Wednesday afternoon to at least last Thursday. They did another surgery the Monday before that to remove more pancreas/pus, and another surgery to insert a Trach tube on Thursday. He woke up Thursday evening, and was doing great all weekend. Yesterday he started bleeding from pretty much everywhere, and last night he started gushing blood. They removed more blood today in surgery when they were trying to figure out where the bleeding was coming from. No news there, but they packed him full of gauze and are going to see if that will help them figure it out.

So, tonight I'm sitting with dad so my step-mom could go home and take a shower and a nap in her own bed (she hasn't slept in her bed in weeks). The plan is to keep blood in (since it's still trying to make its way out). BOO.

Please, if you're the praying type, please pray for him. He's truly struggling and he's stressing himself out. It's real hard to watch a man of his size and reputation fear for his life, even if it is while he's under crazy anesthesia.