I hope this isn't turning into a Debbie Downer blog. I can't say this stuff to someone's face but I want you guys to know (especially because it sucks to explain it multiple times). And I'm pretty sure the only people who care to read this are the Lindsey/Lynseys, Eric and maybe Tony. You guys probably want to know anyway.
Things have absolutely changed since the formalities ended and we started being away from larger amounts of people. It's not that I need to be entertained, it's that I don't know what to do or how to fix a feeling. I think it's because a lot of my feelings are conflicted with other feelings that I'm experiencing at the same time. It's causing a lot of anxiety. I want to stay in this house because I feel like I'm closer to dad, and I feel like I'm closer to Janet. I don't want to stay in this house because I feel like I might be interfering with Janet's mourning, or just getting in the way. I don't know how to tell Janet that I need her without making her feel like she needs to keep me occupied. I just need to be around? I also feel like I'll be intruding once I start working (tomorrow) and getting off work at 10:30 pm or later. But, I don't want to just throw my hands up in the air and go home to a dank, empty apartment and feel terrible because I'm scared I'll potentially get on someone's nerves.
I have had this conversation with my sister (and I'm not totally sure she completely understands what's going on inside), but I can tell that I'm subconsciously angry at this situation, and possibly partly angry with God. I know that I'm very much angry with myself, though. No amount of "you couldn't have known," or "anyone would feel this way in this situation" makes me feel better about it. I really, really screwed up, and now I can't fix my relationship with dad. I definitely let him know several times that I loved him for teaching me to be a certain way, and that I directly attributed any success I had in life to the way he fathered me. But I really neglected a real personal relationship.
My sister constantly brings up memories from the last couple of years that I completely missed out on. And no, I wasn't out of town. I was here, and had a million chances to call and say "let's have dinner," or "what are you guys up to this weekend?"
A week ago I was all about helping Janet cope by having a "normal" Christmas, but I completely feel differently, now. I remember telling her on Friday that I would like to just forget that it's Christmas at all. Christmas music is making me nauseous, which is weird, because the day before yesterday it was alright?
Don't be worried about me - my sister seems to think she needs to be. I know I'm just going through the motions, and it will be ok. I just think I'd like for my life to stay turned up-side down for a while so I don't fully remember what normalcy was like.
basically what it comes down to is that as soon as i see you i'm going to give you the biggest hug E-V-E-R. ever. i love you so much, my friend. so much.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't feel like it, but what you're going through is totally normal. Anger, guilt, confusion, all of it. That doesn't make it easier, but at least know that there's a light at the end, eventually, where it will get sorted out. Just don't expect it to come soon.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't think for one second that you can't stay with us after work on nights Megan isn't home, or even nights when she is. We can even snuggle!
PS I have received an abundance of Starbucks cards for Christmas. Even though they are The Enemy now, please let me buy you a drink so we can just sit down and talk.
Oh my gosh. OMG! How come I just now realized you had a blog??
ReplyDelete1. I love you.
2. I cannot wait to see you.
3. Please know that I'm thinkin' about you alot.
4. How could you ever get on anyone's nerves? You're amazing. But the fact that you even thought that you could annoy someone means that you are very considerate... and selfless.
5. I'm off work next week... so if you want me to sleep in your lonely apartment with you I will!!