This might be awkward...

…since I’m pretty sure my step-mom keeps up with me now. I’ve said it before, but I’m pretty glad that we have a tighter relationship now, because I’m pretty sure I would still be in a state of severe anger and confusion from the events of October through December, had we not become real friends.

Saturday we took a road trip to Ikea. I look forward to time minus TV with Janet because it results in me learning a lot about Dad, his relationship with Janet, and (funny, but true) his relationship and feelings toward Whitney and myself. It’s crazy how little we know. He was so humble, and I find it incredible that he had the character I’ve been hoping to gain for so long (and I had no idea…). I feel like we learned so much in the week after December 12th that it was hard for us to get a grip on what had happened. How can you be sad when you’re so proud? But there are days I wish I had been less distant and more interested in our conversations.

Anyway! Janet and I talked about how dad was told by a high school counselor that he’d never amount to anything (and I don’t even remember what the idea was, or how this story even came up). She told me about how he would give a speech at an event, and when he’d sit down he’d recall what his counselor told him, and wish that the counselor could see him in that moment.

Now, this is a big deal for me, because I’m pretty sure I’ve not told a soul this… but writing in my own presence seems easier than speaking to someone else in person. The last thing I said to my dad, before we made the decision to let him go (those words alone haunt me) was that I hoped I could amount to even half the person he was (and is!). I hate that I would have never said that to him in any other situation. I hate that I didn’t know him as well in that moment as I would in the days following. A couple of months later I stood over his grave and cried because I needed answers and advice. I still feel like I want to call and talk about what I want to do.

Lately the only two things that stress me out are thinking about all that has conspired in the last few months, and how I feel like I need to get the ball rolling in the right direction for the future of me. Really, I think I’m scared of making career decisions because of that. I think I’m scared that I’ll be a disappointment to dad if I make the wrong decision. I don’t want to be a failure, and I have no goals because of that. That leaves me in a position to feel comfortable where I am, even if I’m miserable (which I’m not, currently, but there is no way I’m going to stay in a place getting paid minimum wage for a very long time).

So, dad, what do you think? I’m pretty sure he’d be taking business classes right now if he were around. I had considered going to U of L, and it would have been cool to have been there at the same time.

Are you for real?

I've noticed a guy that comes into Heine every day that I work... And last night he bought a bag of chips while Bob was cleaning the bathrooms - mostly just to tell me that my face has "very nice features" and that I'm "very attractive."

While this is all very awkward and I responded with "Thank you! .95 cents please..."

.... it does make a girl feel good.

I know I promised pictures of my home, but since all of my memory cards are full, this picture will have to suffice for now...

You're not where you belong.

I'm all (well mostly) moved into my new place. It's quite nice! I've walked to work every day that I've worked a mid-shift in the past week. I love this neighborhood! It's sort of quaint-city style. It's funny how my perception of Louisville changes when I move from place to place. I hated Louisville while I was in college and when I graduated and had to move back in with my mom for a few months... I think it had to do with a part of my life that is now over, and I had changed so much that experiencing the same things made me feel very... who knows what I'm looking for. But, it didn't feel good.

I've moved into a part of town that is so much more colorful and diverse. I actually like what I see when I walk down the street. I love not driving for a full day!

All of this is bittersweet, though. I put myself into too much last week, and I didn't realize until I left Gap (for the last time) last Tuesday how overwhelming it would be. It seems really dramatic, I know, but I guess the events in the last few months make me feel entitled to a little bit of thinking too hard about things. I think for the most part it is hard for me to stop staying with Janet. I think we both grew from that experience of being together (albeit some nights we were just sleeping in the same house, not even crossing paths) during a time when we both needed someone to be around.

By the time I left for work Tuesday, knowing that it was my last day at Gap, I really hadn't put much thought into what it would be like to know I was never going back for anything more than buying clothes. There were a few moments even Tuesday that reminded me why I didn't want to be there anymore (i.e. asking a question to several people who completely ignored that I even spoke, etc...), but there were at least a couple of moments that made me feel a little sad about leaving. There are just a small handful of people that I'll miss. Other than that, I have a feeling I'll be completely forgotten soon enough. I think what made me feel so weird about leaving was knowing that the most stressful and difficult few months of my life had just unfolded while I was working there.

Things are starting to get positive, though. I'm going to Cape Cod in August (woohoo!!!) and working a week of camp in July with the Coomers, whom I love, and hopefully making a trip to Colorado, but only if the Curry's are willing to take me in...

Next post will contain pictures of said new digs.

You're right, Lynsey... Love wins.