This might be awkward...

…since I’m pretty sure my step-mom keeps up with me now. I’ve said it before, but I’m pretty glad that we have a tighter relationship now, because I’m pretty sure I would still be in a state of severe anger and confusion from the events of October through December, had we not become real friends.

Saturday we took a road trip to Ikea. I look forward to time minus TV with Janet because it results in me learning a lot about Dad, his relationship with Janet, and (funny, but true) his relationship and feelings toward Whitney and myself. It’s crazy how little we know. He was so humble, and I find it incredible that he had the character I’ve been hoping to gain for so long (and I had no idea…). I feel like we learned so much in the week after December 12th that it was hard for us to get a grip on what had happened. How can you be sad when you’re so proud? But there are days I wish I had been less distant and more interested in our conversations.

Anyway! Janet and I talked about how dad was told by a high school counselor that he’d never amount to anything (and I don’t even remember what the idea was, or how this story even came up). She told me about how he would give a speech at an event, and when he’d sit down he’d recall what his counselor told him, and wish that the counselor could see him in that moment.

Now, this is a big deal for me, because I’m pretty sure I’ve not told a soul this… but writing in my own presence seems easier than speaking to someone else in person. The last thing I said to my dad, before we made the decision to let him go (those words alone haunt me) was that I hoped I could amount to even half the person he was (and is!). I hate that I would have never said that to him in any other situation. I hate that I didn’t know him as well in that moment as I would in the days following. A couple of months later I stood over his grave and cried because I needed answers and advice. I still feel like I want to call and talk about what I want to do.

Lately the only two things that stress me out are thinking about all that has conspired in the last few months, and how I feel like I need to get the ball rolling in the right direction for the future of me. Really, I think I’m scared of making career decisions because of that. I think I’m scared that I’ll be a disappointment to dad if I make the wrong decision. I don’t want to be a failure, and I have no goals because of that. That leaves me in a position to feel comfortable where I am, even if I’m miserable (which I’m not, currently, but there is no way I’m going to stay in a place getting paid minimum wage for a very long time).

So, dad, what do you think? I’m pretty sure he’d be taking business classes right now if he were around. I had considered going to U of L, and it would have been cool to have been there at the same time.