I think perhaps the reason I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood or high school is because I didn't have the skills to analyze all the stuff that was going down. When I got to college, I got interested in English because, hey, everyone has to write papers, and why not be good at it?
English taught me to analyze, which could have been the best or worst skill set I would ever pick up. Analyzing helps me remember pretty thoroughly what is going down in my life. Recently it has helped me think about the whole Dad situation. Not that it makes me feel much better, but it does calm me to pick apart how I feel and put it into categories, etc. I know I look like some sort of freak... haha...
Another big part of me is a very free spirit, or in some areas, a spirit that longs to have more freedom. I think I'm stuck because I'm afraid of what some of my friends/family will think of me. It's funny, I kind of push the envelope every once in a while, being fully who I am in front of people who haven't been able to put their finger on me yet. I think some might be scared of that, or just confused by it. I feel at home at Heine Brothers, or with Lindsey and Derek, Daphne and Eric (ha, that rhymes!), and a few other places. But sometimes I'll spend time with people I know, but not totally well, but I still love them quite a bit. Here's where the analyzing comes in.
I get forgotten a lot among friends. Sometimes I think it's because I'm unmarried, and un-significant-othered. A lot of times, I'm completely right. I went to Disney World last year for the CCCA Conference with my co-workers... and their wives. I LOVE their wives, don't get me wrong... But, I didn't love going to Disney World as the 5th wheel, and the person everyone was awkwardly trying to figure out how I would end up on a ride... with who??? On more than one occasion I ended up completely alone. I actually went to Downtown Disney, alone. I ate at Ghirardelli's ice cream shop, alone. It sucked.
It left me thinking about why I was ditched, why was I left out? Does my personality get in the way of real conversation? Do I drive a good time into the ground?
Bottom line for me is that I always feel like I'm walking on glass as far as keeping friends goes, and then I start thinking about marriage, and how I will fail in that department, which I will NOT go into.
I need to say something positive... aaaaand it's that I'll be watching the USA world cup game tomorrow... and we better win!
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