He gives and takes away...

Starting to feel sleepless, but tired.  My eye started to twitch the other day.  Tonight began the un-necessary acid reflux.  I didn’t realize Christmas was so close until I heard Christmas music in the mall.  Thanksgiving still feels like it should be months away.  I’m pushing it all forward because I don’t want this season to be here. I don’t want to rehash what happened a year ago, and I don’t want to have to think about it. 

Looked through the pictures on my phone and realized (as I have before) there was a clear gap between photos of my sister and husband in the hospital waiting room and me sitting on the couch with my dad’s dogs.  I skim the events of the week leading up to the inevitable and I wonder how stupid (or overly hopeful) we must have seemed to nurses, doctors.  

The night I slept in the room with Dad because Janet hadn’t slept at home in weeks.  The night (the same night) that I basically stayed awake the entire time, hearing the ventilator scream when it wasn’t working correctly (which is horrifying), praying things I’d never thought I would have to pray.  

The night my sister, step-mom and I stayed at the hospital, all together, after a particularly rough emergency surgery.  Being incredibly vulnerable, we all knew each-other in a whole new way.  We laughed loudly, nervously, in the McDonalds at Kosair. 
I think I’m still in a sort of denial.  I have been since the day he was put on a ventilator. My dad was big and strong, I knew this.  But the (military) men and women who worked with and under him were very concerned, and this threw me for a loop.  Do you know my dad?  Because he’s better than this.   But the men and women kept coming, became family, but I still didn’t understand.  He’s strong.  (Notice the present tense? Yeah, I didn’t mean to do that. It just happens.) 

The day it happened, when all of them were there, in the hospital room.  I held my dad’s big, strong hand (and believe me, it was huge), and all I wanted was a squeeze back.  The only movement was his chin, which moved with the ventilator.  

I want so badly for him to be home.  I want to spend Christmas morning eating breakfast with him and my step-mom.  I’d give anything to share this new relationship with my step-mom with him, too.  I’d give anything to talk to him about our family, and the stupid things I remember about being his daughter.  I’d give anything for him to be around when (if) I get married, and when (if) I have kids.  I wanted my kids to stare in awe of his size, just like I saw my sister’s kids idolize him.  I’d give anything for him to see me be successful.  I didn’t want to be a barista in his eyes.  I wanted him to be proud.  I wanted him to be here, now. 

I’m thankful for every moment that I’m told I’m anything like him.  I would be elated to have even half of his character. 

I just thought, for those of you who think I'm gone...

... that I might write a little something here.

I am updating very, very regularly at http://sisterabe.tumblr.com. Too much, almost.

So, here is my life in a nutshell:

I'm in that frenzy again - trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, where I would like life to take me, etc. I think I explained it best to my co-worker Rebecca tonight. She suggested that I apply for one of the management positions that Heine Brothers has open. This was flattering, believe me. I explained that I'd like to be living somewhere other than Louisville by May, so taking a job like that would be a little... not very nice.

When she asked why, I had to explain that my skin is crawling with a desire to move. I'm not talking "move" like from my home to a new home. I'm talking that figurative "move." The kind of "moving" I'm talking about is the kind that triple-dog-dares you to get out of your comfort zone. And, knowing that I am stuck here, in this so-called profession of serving coffee, etc., to the community immediately surrounding me (which I sort of like, but it's not my niche) makes it too hard to ignore this skin-crawl-inducing-triple-dog-dare. How's that for a phrase?

So here I am again. Except I have the whole world at my hands. Where can I go? What can I study? What do I want to do for the REST of my LIFE? Do I want to pursue something that looks glorious but can provide a long, hard road between myself and this gloriousness? Do I want to choose something less glorious that might be easier to obtain? I flip-flop daily. Putting my finger down on something only makes me consider even more options.

So here are my lists.

Places to go!

• Denver, CO - because Lynsey and Mike live there! And MOUNTAINS! And cold weather!
• Austin, TX - because apparently it's just a bigger, better Louisville with more opportunity...
• New York, NY - because I feel like it's a challenge that I can conquer, and living in New York is something that is either loathed or loved, and I think I might love it?
• San Diego, CA - because I have imagined myself on the West Coast for some really weird reason... and this seems like the most affordable big city out that way...
• Any suggestions welcomed ;)

Things to learn!

• Marketing - Recently I've been thinking this might be good for me... I've had some decent ideas at work and I feel like I could generate more? But, I'm not really into selling things I don't believe in. This makes it hard.
• Photo-journalism - It's more of a dream that I might be successful at photo-journalism. I hear from people (okay, one person who is always a Debbie Downer) that there aren't many stable jobs in this area, and that alone is scary enough to cause me to not be totally gung-ho about it.
• Journalism - It's something I kind of ruled out for a while. But could I be specific and say that I love to write about things that I love - i.e. travelling, music, and lately soccer/futball. I tend to research things to an extent where it seems I've been immersed in the culture for years. But, as the last career choice I listed has the same cons, I'm not so confident I won't be living in a box in Brooklyn, Austin or Denver.
• I've had other ideas in the past, but these are the ones that continue to cycle through my head... What do you think I'd be successful doing?

That's a lot of stuff for one entry. I hope someone remembers I'm here!