He gives and takes away...

Starting to feel sleepless, but tired.  My eye started to twitch the other day.  Tonight began the un-necessary acid reflux.  I didn’t realize Christmas was so close until I heard Christmas music in the mall.  Thanksgiving still feels like it should be months away.  I’m pushing it all forward because I don’t want this season to be here. I don’t want to rehash what happened a year ago, and I don’t want to have to think about it. 

Looked through the pictures on my phone and realized (as I have before) there was a clear gap between photos of my sister and husband in the hospital waiting room and me sitting on the couch with my dad’s dogs.  I skim the events of the week leading up to the inevitable and I wonder how stupid (or overly hopeful) we must have seemed to nurses, doctors.  

The night I slept in the room with Dad because Janet hadn’t slept at home in weeks.  The night (the same night) that I basically stayed awake the entire time, hearing the ventilator scream when it wasn’t working correctly (which is horrifying), praying things I’d never thought I would have to pray.  

The night my sister, step-mom and I stayed at the hospital, all together, after a particularly rough emergency surgery.  Being incredibly vulnerable, we all knew each-other in a whole new way.  We laughed loudly, nervously, in the McDonalds at Kosair. 
I think I’m still in a sort of denial.  I have been since the day he was put on a ventilator. My dad was big and strong, I knew this.  But the (military) men and women who worked with and under him were very concerned, and this threw me for a loop.  Do you know my dad?  Because he’s better than this.   But the men and women kept coming, became family, but I still didn’t understand.  He’s strong.  (Notice the present tense? Yeah, I didn’t mean to do that. It just happens.) 

The day it happened, when all of them were there, in the hospital room.  I held my dad’s big, strong hand (and believe me, it was huge), and all I wanted was a squeeze back.  The only movement was his chin, which moved with the ventilator.  

I want so badly for him to be home.  I want to spend Christmas morning eating breakfast with him and my step-mom.  I’d give anything to share this new relationship with my step-mom with him, too.  I’d give anything to talk to him about our family, and the stupid things I remember about being his daughter.  I’d give anything for him to be around when (if) I get married, and when (if) I have kids.  I wanted my kids to stare in awe of his size, just like I saw my sister’s kids idolize him.  I’d give anything for him to see me be successful.  I didn’t want to be a barista in his eyes.  I wanted him to be proud.  I wanted him to be here, now. 

I’m thankful for every moment that I’m told I’m anything like him.  I would be elated to have even half of his character. 

I just thought, for those of you who think I'm gone...

... that I might write a little something here.

I am updating very, very regularly at http://sisterabe.tumblr.com. Too much, almost.

So, here is my life in a nutshell:

I'm in that frenzy again - trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, where I would like life to take me, etc. I think I explained it best to my co-worker Rebecca tonight. She suggested that I apply for one of the management positions that Heine Brothers has open. This was flattering, believe me. I explained that I'd like to be living somewhere other than Louisville by May, so taking a job like that would be a little... not very nice.

When she asked why, I had to explain that my skin is crawling with a desire to move. I'm not talking "move" like from my home to a new home. I'm talking that figurative "move." The kind of "moving" I'm talking about is the kind that triple-dog-dares you to get out of your comfort zone. And, knowing that I am stuck here, in this so-called profession of serving coffee, etc., to the community immediately surrounding me (which I sort of like, but it's not my niche) makes it too hard to ignore this skin-crawl-inducing-triple-dog-dare. How's that for a phrase?

So here I am again. Except I have the whole world at my hands. Where can I go? What can I study? What do I want to do for the REST of my LIFE? Do I want to pursue something that looks glorious but can provide a long, hard road between myself and this gloriousness? Do I want to choose something less glorious that might be easier to obtain? I flip-flop daily. Putting my finger down on something only makes me consider even more options.

So here are my lists.

Places to go!

• Denver, CO - because Lynsey and Mike live there! And MOUNTAINS! And cold weather!
• Austin, TX - because apparently it's just a bigger, better Louisville with more opportunity...
• New York, NY - because I feel like it's a challenge that I can conquer, and living in New York is something that is either loathed or loved, and I think I might love it?
• San Diego, CA - because I have imagined myself on the West Coast for some really weird reason... and this seems like the most affordable big city out that way...
• Any suggestions welcomed ;)

Things to learn!

• Marketing - Recently I've been thinking this might be good for me... I've had some decent ideas at work and I feel like I could generate more? But, I'm not really into selling things I don't believe in. This makes it hard.
• Photo-journalism - It's more of a dream that I might be successful at photo-journalism. I hear from people (okay, one person who is always a Debbie Downer) that there aren't many stable jobs in this area, and that alone is scary enough to cause me to not be totally gung-ho about it.
• Journalism - It's something I kind of ruled out for a while. But could I be specific and say that I love to write about things that I love - i.e. travelling, music, and lately soccer/futball. I tend to research things to an extent where it seems I've been immersed in the culture for years. But, as the last career choice I listed has the same cons, I'm not so confident I won't be living in a box in Brooklyn, Austin or Denver.
• I've had other ideas in the past, but these are the ones that continue to cycle through my head... What do you think I'd be successful doing?

That's a lot of stuff for one entry. I hope someone remembers I'm here!

You make me new...

I love camp. I'm glad I took time off from camp so that I could see it in a better light. I kind of ruined it for myself, took almost an entire year (and then some) away from it, and this year it's a new place for me. I always get a better understanding of something when I step away for a while.

I'm glad I was there. I was a little grumpy all week, and that's just part of my emotional silliness. The kids were awesome and hilarious, and I miss 'em. I wish I had a job that allowed me to be there for more of the summer!

Mr. Luke Sexton

So, if you guys haven't heard yet, I have a friend named Benson who has just been given a son, Luke. Luke isn't doing so well, in fact, he's in pretty bad condition. Not even able to cry due to ventilator, he's changing lives, which is amazing and heartbreaking at the same time. Here is the website Benson and his wife are keeping to update and ask for prayer - and people are definitely listening and doing so.

I have had to stop reading and talking about it because it is all way too familiar. Dad was basically in the exact same position, just 53 years down the road and with different causes. We were given the same direction by the doctors. I was asking for those same prayers.

I really, really hope little Luke pulls through.

I miss him.

Where you at, Bruce? I hope you're living it up as an outside cat, or maybe someone scooped you up and took you home. But for real, I miss you. I need something to sleep on top of me, no matter what position I'm in. I need something to meow forever long meows when I come in the door and walk anywhere near the kitchen. Buh.

As soon as a landlord issued a no pet rule, I get offered about a thousand free cats/dogs.

Let's just get a ton of sparklers and forget this all happened!

Things get on my nerves.

Politically and oil spill speaking, that is.

I wish people would pay attention to what's going on before they make comments on public websites. I pretty much never enter a political conversation unless I'm SURE I know what's up. I don't want to make a fool of myself. Apparently there are thousands who are more than willing to do so. Here is what I have to say in response:

A) Obama was not born before Hawaii was a state. End of discussion.

B) The oil spill was not an accident. End of discussion.

C) Oil is part of the CORE of the earth, and will mother nature will NOT clean herself up. End of discussion.

D) Please stop slapping labels on political parties/countries because one or more of that political party has/have said/done ignorant things. End of discussion.



And please, customers of businesses everywhere, do NOT hand employees of said business wet money. It's disgusting. Also, please don't be angry if I can't hold a straight face and/or not dry heave when I'm handling the wet money you just gave me. ha.

In other news, I was called a weed-smoking, unprofessional hippie over the phone tonight by a guy who got a bad drink at a different store. My life is awesome.

The life of an English Major...

I think perhaps the reason I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood or high school is because I didn't have the skills to analyze all the stuff that was going down. When I got to college, I got interested in English because, hey, everyone has to write papers, and why not be good at it?

English taught me to analyze, which could have been the best or worst skill set I would ever pick up. Analyzing helps me remember pretty thoroughly what is going down in my life. Recently it has helped me think about the whole Dad situation. Not that it makes me feel much better, but it does calm me to pick apart how I feel and put it into categories, etc. I know I look like some sort of freak... haha...

Another big part of me is a very free spirit, or in some areas, a spirit that longs to have more freedom. I think I'm stuck because I'm afraid of what some of my friends/family will think of me. It's funny, I kind of push the envelope every once in a while, being fully who I am in front of people who haven't been able to put their finger on me yet. I think some might be scared of that, or just confused by it. I feel at home at Heine Brothers, or with Lindsey and Derek, Daphne and Eric (ha, that rhymes!), and a few other places. But sometimes I'll spend time with people I know, but not totally well, but I still love them quite a bit. Here's where the analyzing comes in.

I get forgotten a lot among friends. Sometimes I think it's because I'm unmarried, and un-significant-othered. A lot of times, I'm completely right. I went to Disney World last year for the CCCA Conference with my co-workers... and their wives. I LOVE their wives, don't get me wrong... But, I didn't love going to Disney World as the 5th wheel, and the person everyone was awkwardly trying to figure out how I would end up on a ride... with who??? On more than one occasion I ended up completely alone. I actually went to Downtown Disney, alone. I ate at Ghirardelli's ice cream shop, alone. It sucked.

It left me thinking about why I was ditched, why was I left out? Does my personality get in the way of real conversation? Do I drive a good time into the ground?

Bottom line for me is that I always feel like I'm walking on glass as far as keeping friends goes, and then I start thinking about marriage, and how I will fail in that department, which I will NOT go into.

I need to say something positive... aaaaand it's that I'll be watching the USA world cup game tomorrow... and we better win!

If you're feelin' what I'm feelin' c'mon...

I just sneezed so hard while trying to hold it in that I'm pretty sure I woke the neighbors. There are some guys smoking on the porch across the pool, and I think they're trying to figure out if someone is out here. I'm just glad I have a screened in porch that I can utilize at 4 am while watching the storm :).

I'm trying to figure out a few things:

A) Why can't I go to sleep before 4 am for the past two weeks? Why am I WIDE AWAKE right now???

B) What to do with the rest of my life.

C) How to get myself back into the routine of a normal person.

D) If I'll ever meet the other people in these condos that stay up as late as I do.

I've had this strange obsession with music lately that I'm pretty okay with. There are certain bands that make me feel good on the inside. I can totally imagine myself at an outdoor arena with a beer (or in my case, a cider/or something more tastey... I just say beer so I don't break the vibe you're getting, since I know I'm the only one in my circle of friends that doesn't really care for it... back to what I'm saying in 3, 2, ...) in my hand, surrounded by dreamers like myself. I wrote on Tumblr how I was upset with myself for screwing up all of my chances at a good music festival this summer, which was kind of a goal for me to accomplish in 2010. Too late! Too much to do! Boo. I'm crossing my fingers that WFPK will pull off an amazing Waterfront Wednesday in July or August. Last August's Old Crow/Felice Brothers/Justin Townes Earle/Gillian and Dave show will be hard to top. I'm ready, FPK. Bring it on.

Bands I've just discovered that I'm looking forward to listening more to include: Delta Spirit, Grizzly Bear, Vandaveer, and Zeus.

A new website I'm obsessed with is La Blogoteque. Amazing stuff! It's quite a few videos of quite a few bands (and I mean quite a FEW) playing uncut street-ish shows that are extremely entertaining. Mostly because you get a peak at what most of the bands/artists are like in a fairly intimate setting.

One last note:

Every time I watch a video of Vampire Weekend, the only thing I'm really interested in seeing is their drummer (who seems to have the most entertaining enthusiasm of all of them). I continue to get more and more frustrated because he shows up in about 5% of EVERY video!!! No matter what it is! A Take Away Show, a live recording, anything! What the heck, people?

I'm a slightly happy girl tonight after not getting accosted while waiting 45 minutes for the train to move - my brother talked to me on the phone the entire time (which is a very rare occurrence, believe me) - and sitting at 4 am, outside, watching the storm. I love my porch.

This might be awkward...

…since I’m pretty sure my step-mom keeps up with me now. I’ve said it before, but I’m pretty glad that we have a tighter relationship now, because I’m pretty sure I would still be in a state of severe anger and confusion from the events of October through December, had we not become real friends.

Saturday we took a road trip to Ikea. I look forward to time minus TV with Janet because it results in me learning a lot about Dad, his relationship with Janet, and (funny, but true) his relationship and feelings toward Whitney and myself. It’s crazy how little we know. He was so humble, and I find it incredible that he had the character I’ve been hoping to gain for so long (and I had no idea…). I feel like we learned so much in the week after December 12th that it was hard for us to get a grip on what had happened. How can you be sad when you’re so proud? But there are days I wish I had been less distant and more interested in our conversations.

Anyway! Janet and I talked about how dad was told by a high school counselor that he’d never amount to anything (and I don’t even remember what the idea was, or how this story even came up). She told me about how he would give a speech at an event, and when he’d sit down he’d recall what his counselor told him, and wish that the counselor could see him in that moment.

Now, this is a big deal for me, because I’m pretty sure I’ve not told a soul this… but writing in my own presence seems easier than speaking to someone else in person. The last thing I said to my dad, before we made the decision to let him go (those words alone haunt me) was that I hoped I could amount to even half the person he was (and is!). I hate that I would have never said that to him in any other situation. I hate that I didn’t know him as well in that moment as I would in the days following. A couple of months later I stood over his grave and cried because I needed answers and advice. I still feel like I want to call and talk about what I want to do.

Lately the only two things that stress me out are thinking about all that has conspired in the last few months, and how I feel like I need to get the ball rolling in the right direction for the future of me. Really, I think I’m scared of making career decisions because of that. I think I’m scared that I’ll be a disappointment to dad if I make the wrong decision. I don’t want to be a failure, and I have no goals because of that. That leaves me in a position to feel comfortable where I am, even if I’m miserable (which I’m not, currently, but there is no way I’m going to stay in a place getting paid minimum wage for a very long time).

So, dad, what do you think? I’m pretty sure he’d be taking business classes right now if he were around. I had considered going to U of L, and it would have been cool to have been there at the same time.

Are you for real?

I've noticed a guy that comes into Heine every day that I work... And last night he bought a bag of chips while Bob was cleaning the bathrooms - mostly just to tell me that my face has "very nice features" and that I'm "very attractive."

While this is all very awkward and I responded with "Thank you! .95 cents please..."

.... it does make a girl feel good.

I know I promised pictures of my home, but since all of my memory cards are full, this picture will have to suffice for now...

You're not where you belong.

I'm all (well mostly) moved into my new place. It's quite nice! I've walked to work every day that I've worked a mid-shift in the past week. I love this neighborhood! It's sort of quaint-city style. It's funny how my perception of Louisville changes when I move from place to place. I hated Louisville while I was in college and when I graduated and had to move back in with my mom for a few months... I think it had to do with a part of my life that is now over, and I had changed so much that experiencing the same things made me feel very... who knows what I'm looking for. But, it didn't feel good.

I've moved into a part of town that is so much more colorful and diverse. I actually like what I see when I walk down the street. I love not driving for a full day!

All of this is bittersweet, though. I put myself into too much last week, and I didn't realize until I left Gap (for the last time) last Tuesday how overwhelming it would be. It seems really dramatic, I know, but I guess the events in the last few months make me feel entitled to a little bit of thinking too hard about things. I think for the most part it is hard for me to stop staying with Janet. I think we both grew from that experience of being together (albeit some nights we were just sleeping in the same house, not even crossing paths) during a time when we both needed someone to be around.

By the time I left for work Tuesday, knowing that it was my last day at Gap, I really hadn't put much thought into what it would be like to know I was never going back for anything more than buying clothes. There were a few moments even Tuesday that reminded me why I didn't want to be there anymore (i.e. asking a question to several people who completely ignored that I even spoke, etc...), but there were at least a couple of moments that made me feel a little sad about leaving. There are just a small handful of people that I'll miss. Other than that, I have a feeling I'll be completely forgotten soon enough. I think what made me feel so weird about leaving was knowing that the most stressful and difficult few months of my life had just unfolded while I was working there.

Things are starting to get positive, though. I'm going to Cape Cod in August (woohoo!!!) and working a week of camp in July with the Coomers, whom I love, and hopefully making a trip to Colorado, but only if the Curry's are willing to take me in...

Next post will contain pictures of said new digs.

You're right, Lynsey... Love wins.

Complete Bull.

I hate finding myself (quite often) (feeling like I'm) in the midst of co-workers and actual friends that probably think I'm an "enemy" or just a stupid person in general... based on their extremely small idea of what I believe and want my life to be about. It kind of internally infuriates me to know that I'm being judged for those things when I'm completely NOT judging someone else for whatever he/she believes or practices. Call me a whine-y, ill-informed child, but that whole situation is completely unfair. NOT all Christians are alike, and just because you've come across a few who are pushy and judgmental DOESN'T mean I am that kind of person.

I just read through most of this thread, which clears up the rumor that Quills is a religious affiliated coffee shop. It shows that the owner stated otherwise, but that he has no problem drawing that crowd among others. It seems like way more people in Louisville (than I figured) are completely single-minded about anti-Christianity. I sort of understand the concept of Secular Humanism, and I get why people are into it, sure. But why is the point of humanity to prove everyone wrong??? It seems like what everyone looks for in life is happiness, but I guess in order to gain that you have to put someone else down. I learned in grade school, my friends, that is not the case.

Also, I love that people think that Christianity is the "enemy" of "free thought and liberal existence..." - I guess we're not free to think that God exists? Man. That's pretty limiting, I'd say.

Sorry for the steam.

Umm...

Anyone know how I can get my tumblr posts to post fully on here, too?

Samrt.

I have a lot of days that I end up feeling like I have nothing valid to say, and only have half an idea of what the nothing valid is.

I'm sorry if I've recently subjected you to bad stories that have no tie to anything we've talked about recently.

I usually don't share my opinions because I feel like I'm uneducated. Unfortunately there are people who ask me what I think, and then I feel either like a jerk, unintentionally close-minded, or like I don't really make much sense. The latter is mostly true.

This week has been weird. I'm super stuttery and nervous, and I haven't been able to pin-point a reason for that.

Newsflash: I'm getting inked with family on Wednesday. I never thought I'd make something like this a family affair, but it will be cool.

Well, that was a bust...

The cat was, in fact, a female. Not Bruce. But I'm finding that he is a pretty normal looking cat, which doesn't really help me at all. Since I haven't been able to find him, I feel like someone has probably taken him in and their kid fell in love with Bruce-cat, and they don't want to give him up, even though there's a poster with his picture on it on their front door. Aboo. It hurts my feelings less than thinking he's hiding, freezing, and hungry outside. Or worse, dead.

Anyway, this week was horrid, and I won't go into a lot of detail. It's weird how I don't realize how raw my emotions really are until I'm stressed again. Big time stressed.

It sucks to be judged by someone you've never judged. It also sucks to watch someone extremely wholesome and awesome be brought down while his/her incredible reputation fades. I hate not being able to fix something (particularly this one thing), and anything I do just makes me look bad... well, at least to one person. I hate, hate, hate feeling like I'm losing a really good friend over something she didn't cause. All that aside, this last week, and especially yesterday, made me feel like maybe I SHOULDN'T be the only family member not on some sort of anti-anxiety med.

On a better note, I got to hang out with my incredibly cute niece and nephew today, and tomorrow I get to hang out with my other nephews. Thank God for non-dramatic people.

Swearsies.

I'm not forgetting about this blog, but I'm posting short stuff on Tumblr just because it's so TEMPTING! The rss feed is to the right over there. I feel like it's easier to post short, small stuff on it. You can also post one mp3 a day. Fun stuff.

SO! My cat got out the other day. I haven't found him yet. He's an indoor-only cat who is scared as hell of traffic, and we live about 40 feet from the wall of I-264. That's not a joke, and I'm not exaggerating. I want him to be safe and warm! I called the humane society today and they told me they had just received a black stray cat, but they didn't know the gender. They told me to look at their website for a picture, and I really honestly think it's him. The spot on it's chest is identical to Bruce's.

Other stressful things are happening. I think typing it out will just heighten the stress. Ew.

I have recently fallen in love with the following:

-The Buried Life of MTV fame. It's amazing.

-Sleeping in beds with dogs.

-Not snow. Or shoveling it.

I'm being sneaky...

I'm pretty close to getting myself into something (good) that pretty much no-one would expect of me.

Secrets, secrets are no fun, unless you are the secretive one!

I'm not telling anytime soon, either. :D

The most beautiful music they had ever heard...

I just realized I hadn't said anything since Christmas... I feel like it wasn't that long ago! A lot of things have happened since then, though.

Christmas was weird, understandably. It was sad, but we are a strong family, and we got through it. Whitney, Janet and I shared a box of wine - we didn't finish it, but it definitely helped take the edge off! I didn't know how the day would feel, and I fully expected to feel upset. I'll be honest, I wasn't upset as much as I was uncomfortable. I felt like I was waiting for people to get there the whole time. Clearly dad's presence was a big one, because he was the only one missing. I wonder if every Christmas will feel like that.

If you know anything about the day dad died, you'll know that Psalm 23 was a big part of it. For Christmas, Whitney gave me a jar of "blessings," which were small papers with different scriptures written on them. She asked me to dig in and see what I got that day, so I closed my eyes and sifted through a few and grabbed one from the middle of the stack - you probably guessed already, but I grabbed Psalm 23. That moment was a good one for us on Christmas. I don't know a lot about how heaven works, but I hope that meant that Dad was there with us.

Since Christmas I've been working, and working seems to be getting me on the track to normal again. I keep seeing people for the first time, and no one knows what to say. I feel rude even mentioning that, and that's not my intention at all. I just never imagined that being an issue for the other person, or for me not knowing what to say back when someone says "I'm sorry." What is the proper response? Really? For the most part I just shake my head.

Someone at work sort of explained to me that when her dad died, it took her months to get a grip on that reality. I think we're in the same boat. She said she had moved away from home and since she hadn't spent that much time with him in a few years, it was harder to realize that he was gone forever. I hate that the same is true for me. Staying in this house is definitely helping me, though.

Something else that is helping has been getting to know some of dad's close friends. I was just telling one of them how odd it was that most of the people that I've met since October I have only known in an awkward "I don't know what to say" sense, but that it's been so good to get to know a few of them on a deeper level. There are only a handful of them who have put in a real effort to show my sister and I how much they loved and respected dad. It's so good to hear from them, in depth, what it was like for them to be friends with dad. We are still getting a whole new view of dad - I sort of wish I could have seen it myself, but it keeps me going when I continue hearing positive things. I wish I felt comfortable posting some of the things I've heard, but I feel like I might be disrespecting those who've shared. You should look at the guestbook again, if it's been a while. I believe there are 132 entries. It's been paid for and will stay up for the next year.

Another thing, I love my sister. Enough said.